Torturing Myself no more~

It's time for me to let go and move on^^ Just like that song from Raymond Lam, the song name is "Love Is Not Enough"~ I've been hearing this song from everywhere, by accident or just call it fate~ I dnt really believe in this kind of supernatural thingy, but this time~ It's not like I have any other higher power to go to~ Haha~

I like the song a lot since the first time I hear it, but I never really thought that it can be used on myself~ haha~ silly me~ I will just have to buried my true self for maybe just a little while longer than I expected and next time~ maybe I should just stick with the traditional way~ Thinking of going straight again~ and maybe I should have decided this a long time ago~ Or I should just go cut my hair to a cool style, change back to who I used to be^^ I think I will go with second choice better~ Great~ Decided~

I just want to be happy again~ Things should be simple~ If I cannot trust the signals and the feeling I get, maybe I should just ignored them from the beginning~

Never Ever~

I was trying not to be a "lock door", trying to find a key to open that "safe around my heart"~ Trying "to let ppl in"~ Big mistake~ Never ever going to do that again~

Never ever going to show anyone "the shape of my heart" again, this is the reason I put everything in logical order at the first place~ So that u won't get emotional attach to anything, so u won't have "leaking water" from ur eyes~ So ur heart wont become "mashed potato" and I just double the protection of my "safe", I never ever wanted to feel like "drowning from the inside" again~

Why choose to be so vulnerable? Why choose to put urself at the "edge of a cliff" ? Never ever doing that again, I am "locking" myself out~I am going back to where I was before, keeping myself safe~ Chained~

I just want to "hide", not letting anyone "find me"~ Nobody is coming anywhere near me~ Never ever letting ppl come close to me again~ Why do I even bother to try at the first place, Stupid!!!

I am sure~

This time I am sure I am ready^^ Ready for a relationship, because I no longer have the desire to date for fun and randomly pick someone because of bored... I think I have overcome my commitment issues and maybe it's time for me to test it out~ Just have to clear something up so that I can really go for it^^

Don't know since when, I became afraid of everything... Lately...things are going very smooth and everything is great...and that too scares me... My fear of loosing things seems to be preventing me from doing a lot but come and think of it, maybe this fear is a good thing as well...because this time I am sure that I really do care... It's been so long since I last really care for anything so deeply until I almost forgot how~ I am sure I can deal with this new feature of mine, haha~

I am sure that feeling things is not a bad thing, I will just have to figure out the manual myself on how to handle it^^ Although I wanted to say something but, something are better left unsaid^^

Whatever~

I am feeling disorderly sad, angry and completely out of mind just half an hour ago but now I am fine again~
Fine!!! I admit it...I have major commitment issues, I can't trust anyone, I don't feel safe with ppl~ Because when you trust someone, you become vulnerable... I dnt want to be like that, I dnt want to put myself out there and become someone that can be easily hurt, I am scare of everything and can't seem to find a reason not to be~ It's normal to be scare right, so I am not ashamed of admitting it.

I guess lately, it must be something to do with my hormone or stuff... I am dedicated to search for someone that I can commit to~ I know, I try too hard~ I never knew that I was so insecure until today...I know that I am troubled but never knew that I am this desperate on finding someone that i can rely on~ I am stopping to try and letting everything go by fate without thinking of it^^

I am happy with the things are right now and maybe I do try too hard and definitely think too much but...who doesn't, we all think too much in times...besides~ it's just nature of a female I guess, haha~ I am relieve that everything is settle now and although some of it have a bad ending but at least it's an end^^

Finally have time~

It's been a while now since I last posted anything, my schedule was so pack but I like it^^ I went to do some charity work organised by a society and when I went to the old folks home, there was one couple that is so sweet together~ They were like melting me with their love.. even if the wife is sick, the healthy husband move into the old folks home just to take care of her. Aww~

I also join some new friends and one of them is very cute which is the one I teached her english. Then at moral class, lately it's been chaotic but I am sure it will end soon, and thanks to this class, I met a quite unique girl call Steph~ She is very occupied with tons of things but she is still managing it quite well^^ I found out that we might have came from the same planet, Pluto. lol~ I hope to know her more^^

Just now, I was cycling back to hostel in the rain, all soaked but...I was enjoying the rain~ even though I hate rain, this one makes me realized a lot...it's like cleansing my soul and letting me see clearly~ Just hope that I don't get sick, haha~ "cross finger"

Sprained ankle~

A morning started in the hard way, haha~ I won't necessary say that it was a bad morning because it kinda make me realize that I have some truly great friends around^^

It happen outside my hostel, I was cycling to campus like usual but when it's time for my break to come to the action, it took it's holiday for vacation I guess... with only my front break working, it causes my bike to drift then knock down three construction worker and a sprained ankle as punishment for me. T-T

In campus, comes those great friends, one of them give me a ride on his bike to go from  block to block, the other accompany me to pass those long waiting hour for the next class, I do have great friends rite? O~hell yeah~^^

I hope my leg will heal ASAP, because I really wish to go to the old folks home for charity work this Friday~ I think I will apply med and a lot of massage to help it heal faster, hopefully I can make it^^ "cross finger"

Charity Work^^

I just love to be involve in this kind of activity, meaningful and helpful^^ I always think that if you help ppl more and see what other is suffering about instead of wining about ur own life...u get to know yourself more, more importantly, love yourself more~ Life is wonderful if u can just see the beauty of it^^

Our activities are great, I got a little cut at my thumb but nothing serious and I can really see their happiness when we play, when we give out our love^^ I was hosting the game, so my voice is a little affected but it's worth it^^ I am exhausted when I got back to hostel but warm and full^^ Many pictures was taken but I haven't seen it yet, hopefully my chairman can upload ASAP^^ I would love to do more of this and have more memories taken in^^

Ice breaking stage^^

I decided to buy a birthday present for a friend and after choosing for quite some time, finally decided that a mini remote car will be perfect^^ It's strange to know that UTAR have so many weird shortcuts...causes a funny accident to occur, haha~ (normal for me la^^)

At night, a hostel meeting was held and we talk about some chores deviation and stuff, then suddenly when to the topic of last night which they forgot to tell me bout cooking...actually I didn't feel angry anymore after one night...and I am glad that they talk bout it because it really does makes me feel so much better and know them a lot more^^

Bad end~

Today was a great day, I get to role play as counselor in class today, I ate lunch with two nice guy, prepared my tutorial question well, went early for class, have dinner with a new friend^^ I even ate 2 bowl of rice~

However, this WAS a great day, until I went back hostel to feel invisible, unimportant and unwanted. I know I am an alien here but at least try to remember my existence... This time, I really got my heart break... even this simple request they can't do it...I am not worth to even remember? Am I really that hard to talk to? To them, who am I?

It's been so long and I have tried everything that I can, it's time to face that we can't have everything, maybe what we can't have is already destined.

Insomnia =(

Well...insomnia again the day before yesterday, it make my yesterday dizzy, painful (headache) and angry, it also make me miss today's early class =( I dnt get it, I dnt feel stress or unhappy but why does it like me so much?!?


Luckily after years of having it's accompany, I manage to learn how to manipulate it, the extra reading just turn out to be the perfect extra thing for this extra time^^ However, I still haven't manage to handle the tiredness...I just try to consume as much food as I can find~ and now my room got zero food@@ So unlike my room~ Food is a big part of my life and I happen to be born with the perfect body to consume a lot, muahahaha~ (often shock ppl~)

Maybe it's a bless in some way and I will just have to figure it out^^

Mcd, Happy =)

Today is a great day, went Mcd have dinner and ice-cream, muahahahaha.... I enjoy every moment of my life now. I now see things clearer than ever... Happiness comes easily because I have a purpose now. I see greatness in ppl and everything bad appear to be so small, no matter what happen, there is always another way to go, maybe it's slower but you will still get there.^^

Maybe I am different but I know that I am not alone, being unique is how I see myself now instead of weird.^^ All I have to do is believe in myself and accept who I am regardless on how this rigid world sees me~

Teaching^^

For the past 2 days, I have been trying to improve the English standard of a friend, I am having a very difficult time in getting her to focus... I really hope that she can absorb what I have teached and hopefully she can get what she wants in both studies and life^^ O yeah....must stay happy as always too^^ I like to see my friends happy, it makes me happy too somehow^^

I love class^^



MOTIVATION is the KEY!!!



The lecturer for my tutorial class is a bit scary at first, she is not angry or what, just that I grow up with teachers so I kinda trained myself to detect power (from those strict teachers), hahax~ after she explained her rule, I find myself motivated by her, I found confident again and there is one phrase just strike me, " when the goings get tough, the toughs get going". I have decided to work very hard to score an A for this subject. I am totaly on fire!!!! lol~

I love study^^

I am so happy because I get to study psychology, the new semester had just began and I already got a group for the moral assignment. I never wanted anything as much as this, I can't wait to start the assignment and exploring the needed skill for me to furfill my dream^^

If you ask me now, what will I like to do the most, my answer will be to read~ Study makes me feel alive and because of study, I get the chance to know new stuff and friends. I am in the most enjoyable time of my entire life^^

Early Happy Birthday to me^^

I dnt really remember my own birthday, basically I dnt remember anything but the endorphin in my body just came rushing out today~ Two cakes in one day, I am so bless, hahax~ I wasn't expecting my housemate to know my birthday but they do know and even prepare a cake and a present, I am touch and totally surprised^^

Summary before I start a new chapter

I decided to write a summary of this trimester. Erm... There are happy and unhappy incidents as always, I was drawn by temptation, affected by surroundings and made a lot of decisions, some results are not to be proud of but not bad. I was misunderstood, dissapointed, betrayed and saved.

I know that I somehow affect ppl, helped, and I sure did made one hell of an impression!!! I thought that I was unable to fit in, but then I realized that I am apart of many groups, just that I didn't notice it. The social result turn out to be quite something^^

I decided to pursue a serious relationship, which I manage to not randomly pick someone. I found my way back to drawing, started observing again, and saw unique qualities in ppl^^ My trimester turn out to be perfect in it's own way =) Plus, I notice that I ought to be more of an ego than a superego and stop being so sceptic all the time... maybe sometimes, doing the wrong thing is the right move~~

I am quite satisfied with how this chapter end and may the next one be a blast*****

Cook and lunch with bff

Well...it's not really a secret that I can't cook but I am willing to try. I went to my bff's house to cook chicken.it was not as bad as I imagine and it is kinda funny when 2 ppl who dnt really know how to cook try to cook. At least the food is still in shape, colour and taste of it is actually quite nice^^

His family is very warm and kind to me, I even get to see his NAKED pictures, haha~ I stay there for a while after lunch and he show me some namewee's video and blog, and also some web site plus feature of computers. It's been a while since we last met and this is really a memory refresh on how he look and sound like.

My fish die

Well, two days ago I was busy cleaning up that huge fish tank which is bigger than I am since my fish die... we suspect that it die because the water is too "hard" and salty... we should have change the water huh....but I never did like that fish anyway, always splashing the water when I walk pass it...



Then I went out today to buy 6 fishes which is adorable and swim so freely and active in that big tank, finally got  the fishes that don't hate me. After that, my mom and I went to buy some grocery and very lucky of me to find that plug I have been looking for a long time now, it's a plug that charges only the battery without the phone, my other phone's charger socket is ruin and today the solution came to me, hehe~ great luck huh^^

Today is a great day with the perfect weather of a little rain and breezing air, my day has ended peacefully today but it's not the end of my life story yet, it's just where it began again, with a whole new page of excitement~

I am home

Finally have the time to write down everything^^ Time flew today, I have decided to trade my notebook with my brother since his new one is smaller, and easier to break, besides... it fits me more than it fits him... and technically it's mine anyway.

I am taking a few days off from everything to relax and rest both mental and physical state, I might plan something out later though^^ Before I went home, I went to that BBQ party and it turns out to be the perfect way to end my first year first sem uni life^^ I am very happy with my uni life here... I made some good friends here and hope to keep it this way and maybe better^^

I might learn how to cook from one of my best friend, hope it wont become a disaster, haha^^

Dull day

Today is a boring day...I woke up at 11.30, then took a shower.... The weather was so angry, and I became the victim of her anger... I almost melted~~
At lunch, I saw a dead pigeon on the side of the street, and also a video about a breast implant that could expand until it explode on plane due to pressure on facebook.

After I got back to the hostel, I try to read but...sigh... The sun burns until my skin hurt... I try to sleep and after a while, I was shock up by the loud thunder and sudden heavy rain...it was perfect for sleeping but I was wide awake by then, thanks to the door that suddenly slammed by the wind~~ So I study...

The weather was angry at first then she cried and shout... I wonder if she broke up with her bf~~ bad fight I guess, haha~

What a day@@

Today I started out my day with a pair of baggy eye and a tired body since I didn't sleep last night, have to study for today's paper... and my roommate had a fever yesterday but now she is as good as new^^

When I arrived at school, I was walking like a blind fly and accidentally knock a guy until his notes was all over the floor, totally my fault but he keep on saying sorry and nvm, I feel so guilty but I was in a hurry so I leave as soon as I pass him his notes. If we have a chance to meet again, I might exchange phone number and mail address with him, call it fate to meet like this, haha~~

Then, the bad news of today~ My housemate got into an accident...her right hand and leg was hurt and she miss out on her exam... then we went back to campus with leng lui to settle this incident just to find myself even more in shock because the driver was actually my classmate... Awkward!!! I wonder why do I always end up in this kind of situation...however, it didn't end bad..which is good^^ It was uneasy to see my housemate that was in pain, I really wish I can help her with the pain more...

I hope she gets better soon, luckily she writes with her left hand or she will have even more probs to come in her next paper...

^^ Plans after Exam ^^

I got my bus ticket to go back home after exam just now, which is at 24 Sept, 8.30a.m. (a little early huh? Yeah...maybe it is,haha~)

Have plans just right after my last paper ends, my new friends here at Kampar invite me to a BBQ party^^ I am already very excited about it~ hehe, I love to be in a crowd wat. They kind of decided to wear grey, which is not fix yet but I think it's a great idea^^

After get back, time for the gathering which involve eating with my old friends back at kulim and of course movies!!! Hehe~ Other than that, I am still thinking on what to do with the rest of my holidays but, I dnt think I will figure anything out just yet...

Just ask

Simple word, tricky question...but who knows, maybe there will be a perfect answer waiting for you to uncover^^

A friend ask me if he should ask, and I told him: "if you wanted to ask, just ask... Even if the answer is not really what you wanted, at least you have an answer"

"Ask or you will never know" hmm... this seems like a great slogan, haha^^

Exam Phobia, feel protected

Everyone have something that scares them, and I have things which frighten me too. I am afraid of clown, cries (baby), splashing oil (cook), but the worst is... EXAM!!! Whenever the word exam or test come out...I get super nervous, even if it's smthg easy... Well... I did try to shake it off but... sigh... I guess I can't do everything alone.

Today's test was not that terrifying, maybe it's because of the person beside me... It was that guy who helped me when I had a breakdown at ptptn last time... He doesn't talk much, but somehow... when I am around him... I feel protected... I am not even sure if that's a good thing...but I like how it feels^^ I haven't felt like this in a very long time... Maybe this is a little magic he had on me...(haha..sound like some spell) It's nice to feel like this once in a while though^^

That's about it for today, have to continue study now ^^

Water Flame

When I was just a little girl... I already heard ppl say:"Girls are made out of water, that is why they cry easily" This phrase used just flew past me... because I think it's wrong and still think so...but~~

When I was at my hometown a few days ago, I found my own diary in my computer ( I thought it was lost after reformat) and it was shocking to see how little happiness was in it... and how many tears I have silently wasted... (maybe because I only remember to write it when I am sad, haha...)

I became happier after moving here to Kampar or maybe because I get to be a student in university... but for whatever reason, the point here is...I am happier now... maybe stop pushing myself to be strong and independent all the time is not really that bad after all^^ There is nothing wrong if I am made out of water...haha, as long as I know how to manipulate it (like the picture above), there is no rule saying that water can't be strong^^

Thinking of New Hairstyle~~

Wanting to change my hairstyle again~~ hehe^^ I have been planning to having it long again but....as usual... I change my mind...again~~ Haha...this is privilege of girls~~ Well... I kinda have an undecided moment b4 but... at last... I plan it to leave it longer than now and then only cut it since the new hairstyle that I have decided after discussing with my roommate... it require me to have certain area lengthen a bit~~ but it would be after I finished my exam b4 I do anything now^^ Can't wait for this exciting day to come^^

I like short hair and one sided at front but not too short this time, so I am going for the front style at the left but the back style of the right(the length which I can put beside my neck which is y i have to grow), dnt u just love them^^(the hairstyle not the guy, well~~the guys too,haha^^)

Naruto

"I'll never give up, that's my way!"

"Naruto"... this is somewhat an animation that captured my heart... it combined true philosophy with stages of story... Somehow...I can see myself in the character Naruto... We have similar issues... we have our own believe and we have something to prove... what I like about him the most is... even when he is hurt, he still manage to stand up with a smile...

His belief is keeping him going...and mine is what that is keeping me going as well...Now I truly understand wat it mean by "I bend but don't break and somehow get through"...I will never give up...

He did put in a lot of effort for what he had accomplished... I should definitely learn from him and put in more effort... I know it might be tiring at some point but like he said... "never give up"... It take guts to do so...and I think I have it...

Movie, Dinner =)

I finished a movie called " Definitely,Maybe". Well... it's not exactly the kind of movie that will touch ur heart...but... it kinda say something like... "there is a chance where u will make mistake at the first choice, but there is always chance to make it right"... a cute young actress was playing the daughter and she remind me of what I was like when I am a kid, older than u seem...haha^^

At night...it was a definite great night... I asked my friends out and we went for dinner... the topic was so funny... we were all laughing and enjoying...and I get to know them better... I like tat feeling of eating together and talking... it feels nice~~ tonight...I am truly happy^^

I am going home at Sunday but...I dnt think it will be a relax home day...since I nid to prepare for my final and this time...I will make sure that I read whatever I have... I will try the best that I could...

I also notice that my housemate is stress out because of final... wish tat there is smthg I could do to make them feel better~~

Truly Happy

It's been a while since I last felt truly happy... I was glad that everyone around me seems to be happy.. I am glad that I have become part of some ppl's life and some more important than others... but there is a hole in me and it's getting bigger... am I truly happy? At this very moment.. I know I am not...because I am questioning...

Hmm...the feeling of loosing control seems to be still hunting me... I thought that I would get over it soon but...it just didn't go away... I am still feeling alone and drowning... maybe I am asking too much...at least I am still glad that I am apart of something^^ Just hopping that I will be fine after tomorrow's dinner with friends^^

For now...I think I will just enjoy other's happiness and maybe sooner or later I will find that very thing which will give me true happiness... mean time... enjoyING some music of Olivia Ong will be good enough for me^^ Dnt knw since when and why, her voice just makes me feel calm^^

Happy and Unhappy

Wat should I write first....hmm... let's start with the happy stuff... I manage to be very concentrate on the " to do list" and finished quite a big part of my study, which is good... and I get to have dinner with my housemate and rental lady or from now on I should call her "leng lui"^^...

We went to the night market and the taste of food suits me... I like it... today one of my housemate seems a little tense up... she keeps on letting things slip through her hand.. I wonder wat she is thinking... or maybe I think too much...haha... just hope that she will feel better and be stress free again soon^^

Now for the bad part... just because I rejected ur romantic feelings...doesn't mean we can't be friends right... I just wish tat ppl stop seeing things as so complicated... I think if u got rejected... friendship can still be continue...just maybe not tat close as b4... I just wish tat he see this fact soon....

Do u love me?

I was trying to prepare for my final but I found out that this subject is easy to understand in terms of language but very hard to interpret... I lost my temper a while...but i guess I will just have to be extra hardworking and maybe with a little help from friends... and I'll be fine^^

"Do u love me?" This is kind of a tricky question...b4 I went to bath, a friend called.. I find it funny because she don't even know that she is being jealous... the story is something like this... "The guy was talking to the girl next to him and my friend saw it and went upset... she stay quiet through the whole dinner but the guy dnt seem to notice it at all... she got even angrier and went all depress"

Haha...she is being jealous rite? I told her to try hint or tell the guy directly how she feels...if this don't work out...wat is the worse case that would happen? Just continue to be friends and forget bout the chances with him and move on... We are adults now...feelings are normal... if dnt feel the same way then... just be friends lo... but at least u nid to let the person know... better than just get jealous alone...

=(

Sigh...the more I try to know him...the more depressed I get... I try to help him but my help seems to caused more pain to him...am I doing the right thing? Y can't ppl see the good that I am trying to do but only know how to get all defensive about things...

What is it that makes ppl see the good in others like I do? I am starting to believe that maybe I am also the stupid kind of human being, the kind who thinks that everybody will accept help and see the help i am giving as help...it's like being struck by lightning...one minute u are being ur normal self and the next...ur heart got fried...

I dnt mean to hurt him..or caused any pain...I was just trying to be nice...but end up causing unwanted trouble... I know he wanted me to ignored him...dnt nid to care about him...but the way he said it...it makes me feel even more depressed... does he not know that I really do care?

More Birthdays

It's the birthday of my Land Lady and I am very glad that she had a great time... there was tears but it's the good type-the tears of joy and touch...^^

We celebrate it 2 days earlier from 28/08/2010 since we wanted to give her a surprise...We made a video of greetings, there is an ice-cream cake with a picture of mini cooper on top, she like it since it is not as solid as the other cakes...and the most important thing was the present (small control mini cooper car). Haha...I was in charge in handling the car out and I was so happy to know that her first birthday wish was wanting to have a model of mini cooper(furfill)^^ I wonder wat the other wishes were... haha...but I think it will all come true...because good things always happen to good ppl^^

The video we made was making her cry because we manage to get the video of her family... I personally think that the part of her father is the most touching part...her father said:"if u feel tired, just come home", how nice to know that u will have a place to go back to... a place that is familiar and warm...^^

I really wish that she will be always happy and keep on bringing happiness to the ppl around her^^

"Avoid"

There is a kind of ppl who thinks they know themselves... always saying that they wanted to be who they are... don't wnt to be influence by others but who are they exactly? Is this really the person u are? Some choose to be a person that is ignorant and indifferent but they end up asking themselve: "why is the world so lack of love". I dnt understand!!! How can someone choose to live like a heartless zombie and choose to make his or her life not worthy...y do they want to live sad?

Wat will happen if they act friendly...or if they tell others their goal but have failed to achieved it...is it really tat shameful until u have to be an actor in ur own life? Act like u dnt care? Being care by others became smthg horrifieying because wat if this all dissapear? Ur unprotected heart will be hurt huh? This kind of ppl choose to be a clod hearted loner... but somehow in a way.. they became afraid of what they have chosen but had forgotten how to choose another path, how sad is that? Avoiding this and that...eventually end up lonesome but afraid of it..how stupid!!! Well...maybe this is just my perception...but I really think it's stupid to be afraid of wat u choose to be and end up thinking "THIS IS WHO I REALLY AM"...

Secret

I have a secret...it's not really a secret now since some of my friends know about it and I am not really trying to hide it, but the more I come clean with it, the more confused and scared I get. Why can things be clearer and easier? I know maybe things will get better as time pass but I dnt think mine is going anywhere...

It's already very hard for me to know love again (by love, I mean all kinds of love), but having to classified it into categories (friendship, family, romance...) seems to be a harder task. Even if the secret is no longer a secret, the outcome of the secret must remain unknown. It is already hard enough to know if a person feels the same way as u do..it became harder when u dnt even knw if that person notice u at all (as lover option)... it might be an option for me..but it might never appear as an option to others at all...

What if the option is not even consider as an option? How many will ignored others and just go with their heart?

Gathering^^

How nice it is to just be with a group of friends and talk...I am so glad that I went back to hometown... I get to catch up with some old friends... I should have post this up days ago but I kind of got into a fever.. I just got sick suddenly while sitting on a bus back to kampar... OMG..so cold!!! I was shivering all the way...very uncomfortable trip indeed.. after resting for 2 days, I finally got better...strangely my fever keep on coming back and there is rashes on my hands..hopefully it wont get any worse..or else..I will really have to step into the smelly hospital...I hate the smell of antistatic..makes me dizzy...

Let's continue bout the gathering...it was so fun...we went eating first and I was wearing a dress...not really comfortable but I don't hate it. We were talking to each other from a very chaos direction...sometimes i dnt even know who is talking to who,haha...

one of them, V, bring his little sis along, my bro Eugene did mention a little bit about V's sister is a bit quiet so...I pay some special attention to her... nobody can be quiet around me...it's forbidden...haha... the topic came around pretty smoothly after a while^^

We talk about about tat movie "SAW", one of my favorite, well...torturing seems to have an impact on everyone since this movie just drawn everyone to attention, haha... I guess we all have some psychopathic blood within us huh.... lol... I did mention something bout hello kitty and owl...hehe...some little secret love of mine^^

We went to Eugene's house later and I was glad to see his mom since I was worried about her but...she seems fine and still manage to throw out a few jokes...haha^^ They are learning guitar now...and I find that Terry has a soothing voice... and he can play.. and draw, wish to see his drawings soon^^, we were there until 4 in the morning, so late, but I kind of expected it...haha

Hope the next gathering, we could go sing karaoke or something fun^^

Relief

Although there is some cuts and bruises here and there but the presentation didn't went crashing down and overall...I think it went well...the since this is just my first presentation only...there is more to come^^

mentally tired but...

"My mental stage is in a very very tired situation now...I am tired of being nice to people, I am tired of knowing everything...I am tired of thinking, tired of people the most... I nid to escape..." This is what I was thinking this morning...for about 2 minutes but then...problems just breath away by me...

I am so glad that I am always capable to just breath away the problems for a while...but as usual...just for a while...I am still tired but i have my energy regeneration serum...haha...from my friends simple chatting, teammate's short discussion and housemaster's laughter...these little things make my life better...some people make ur life miserable but some make it better just by a simple hi or just a smile will do...^^I know I am lucky to be here and have something...

My part of presentation is done...i hope that everyone else is doing fine too^^ Maybe I dnt knw my teammates very well but I do know that some of them do care about this presentation...I am so nervous and I only hope I wont lost my ability to speak or forget bout everything by then..

Maybe some people just like to assume that it is normal to present urself as "mr.u know everything" and do everything perfectly...how tired is that...not tired for that "mr. know all"maybe, but how it make the people around feel...sooner or later, everyone will remain a distance to prevent themselves from feeling mentally tired...

Sad, glad and nervous

Today is so...complicated, the first thing I can think of is the unhappy incident in class today. =( Well...I am not sure wat happen but, some of my friends just start arguing with another friend of mine in front of the whole class, things just when ugly but not very savior yet... I hate it when my friends fight..but after that, my lecturer seems to be handling it..it's almost settle but I really hope they can get along soon, and try to see the good in one another.

My ptptn suddenly got approved claiming that their new website was down and asking us to go back to the old website...Sigh...government! never manage anything right! make ppl scare and confuse only@@

The dinner tonight is long...since the food takes forever to get ready... it's like the waiter needs to go fish for the prawn and import the spices to make the paste..but at least i remember to buy top up card for my phone.

After that, watch a scary movie with housemates since tonight is the first night of ghost festival, they want something scary...but that movie turn out to be a disaster...it's so00ooo0oo0oo...boring...but at least get to spend time with my housemates and know a bit more bout them...^^

Feels like a longer day than usual...and tomorrow, I am going to finished up the slide show and prepare for the presentation which I am very nervous about since it's been years since I last presented anything...hope that everything is going to be smooth...

Drowning

Went out for lunch with housemate today, not all of them though...since 3 of the girls went to my land lady's hometown and stay there, I got worried when they didn't came back late yesterday since I don't know where did they went at first. Now...I think maybe I shouldn't care that much, it's not like they notice anyway...we can play together but the communication between us is just crappy... better just stay away...

I haven't started anything with my presentation yet... I just don't feel like doing anything..and busy with other things as well...sometimes I feel like I am getting along with things pretty well but sometimes I feel like I don't belong here...there is something missing...I just don't know what it is...I feel like drowning slowly to an endless, dark and cold water...can't breath right, I am lost in myself...seeking a way out...without knowing where to go...

I am also confused about something that I don't even know if there is a right or wrong...trying to ignored but it just keep showing up...unwanted thoughts and feelings...I shall hit my head to a wall so that I can have amnesia...just forget bout things...escape for a while...

Vienna Boys Choir Canon in D Rome Music video

This calms me down and I feel relax after listening to this^^

MaNy tO wRiTe@@

Let's start with 3/8/10, it was exhausted but I had a great time celebrating my house mate's birthday. I can tell that everyone is having a great time... we were taking pictures and I meant a lot of pictures...and laughing until our stomach pain and after that we all went back to hostel and chat for a while until our energy level drop to negative on some of us, and more pictures were taken. I think I might change my mind on having my pictures taken, I do think that freezing my smile is annoying but...I find it quit comfortable to take pictures with a happy crowd and having my own memory recorded^^


4/8/10, since we talk until 4a.m yesterday, my energy level is a little low today but luckily today was just presentation day, I get quite amusing in discovering different types of formal wear and listening to my friends complaining on skirts, haha...but they do look great in formal though^^ I am starting to worried bout my presentation bout next week since it's been a while since I last present in front of a large crowd and I have to wear heals...high heel shoes is always a nightmare to me, I wonder if I will ever like it, but I do think they are pretty though^^

Desperate

I went home for a few days to get everything straight, like making a new ic... I get to talk to my brothers, grandmother and my mom. I played with HAPPY, and LUCKY the dogs. they grow bigger than i remember...

Today when I came back from Kedah to Kampar, the bus that I was supposed to get on break down, I am fine with that but they they put me in a bus to Ipoh only and assign me the sit where the driver will sleep when tired which is suffering since I got no place to put my legs but this is still ok, since I met a guy which is also a student in Utar was sitting beside the driver in a plastic chair, poor guy. He study journalism and I think he will be great in the future... The bus driver was almost asleep on the way there and I was so nervous... but eventually we were safely delivered to Ipoh, at there we have to find a bus station which we have no idea where it was and we were just wondering around and ask whoever that is there, finally found it and after 15 minutes, we got on the right bus and headed home, after we arrived, we were so tired and call a taxi to send us back to hostel... at least I get to know a nice guy out of all this chaotic...

Tonight, a misunderstanding is solved which I don't even know how and what really happened but I don't care anymore because there is another person which is making me confuse... I no longer have the strength to handle another betrayer...and I won't. Maybe I am being weak and stupid but...when I just can't handle lies anymore, after I gave chances for people to tell me the truth, I expect the whole truth...and if they don't take that chance to full use, I snap, I just choose to walk out from their life. I have no problem pretending to not know a person and certainly have no problem of just stop contacting with him or her. Maybe I act like a child but this is how I kept my dignity, I walk away before they are taken from me...

Tired morning, disappointing night, I am really DESPERATE for something, anything good to happen to me...soon...

27/7/10 Luck

I don't know what is wrong throughout the week, really some luck I got here, can't even have a proper meal. I still haven't got back my darling yet which is very frustrating because I can't do anything without her.. Sometimes I think I depend too much on darling, but the truth is, I can't not to...because the world is forcing me to depend on her...luckily I love her very much...

I finished the introduction for life span by borrowing my roommate's laptop which is actually very kind of her. Then at night, my English teammate came to my hostel to do another essay, there is this other girl was suppose to come to my hostel but he didn't show up so, I was getting worried since lately, the security here is not that good, everyone should be careful. She was coming my hostel to bring laptop to one of my teammate which I have no idea what the transport is and luckily later when my teammate was leaving, she show up in a car, with nothing but her usual sunshine smile, what a relief to see her...

Before essay, We were supposed to have dinner which somehow the cute guy's car broke down because of no battery, luckily his brother and housemate came to the rescue...the exhaust pipe's smoke was so smoky and smelly...

That's about it for this day...

28/7/10 Strange day...

Got back my darling just now which is the greatest news I had the whole week...and I have decided to go back hometown tomorrow to solve somethings.

Today I share some of my personal life in class which I will never ever do it again since I don't think anyone care and it is my personal life after all, better just keep it personal...

I was scolded by a women trough a private number phone call, which this is what a strange person like me also find it strange... She claims that I stole her boyfriend and tell me to stay away from him. What the hell happen to this world until people like me is label as boyfriend thief... After I confronted the boyfriend which i miraculously have until I don't even know, only I know that he has no idea who she was. This scares me even more...since this mean, we have a psycho secret admire around us...I wonder if she spy...

I really don't want any unnecessary misunderstand, I only wanted to be friendly but somehow, it became slutty to some people...Sigh...

26/7/10 Didn't sleep

One of teammate seems to have problems with her part of the assignment which is almost the whole assignment so the cute guy and I have to step on it. He came to my hostel and we just make an assignment out from scratch... I was so tired and my shoulder feels like it is going to fall down anytime soon... The good news is I found my 8GB pen drive, it was with my housemate, we kind of forgot about it and the important part is just got it back.

My darling is still sick and that doctor just keep giving me tons of excuses..I hate that guy and my poor darling...=(

One of my teammates seems to be avoiding my calls which upset me a little and make my day even more depressing but at least I finished the assignment and I know who to trust and who not to.

The only good thing that happen today is, the girl which I thought hate me, actually turn out to be another nice person that protects herself with angry face, she got a lot of great friends around her which I think she notice it already and I hope I will get to know her better in the future.^^

25/7/10 Arhhhh!!!!!!

Very very bad mood...I still can't find my 8GB, and my darling(laptop)was send into a clinic(shop) to be fix, which I don't think that doctor(repairmen) know what to do at all...he was confuse bout everything...my poor darling with this crappy doctor, the minute I walk in is already a mistake...



My assignment went stuck without my darling, I really nid her badly...=(
Luckily I have a great roomate that willing to borrow me her laptop and I get to check out something and make some statement on facebook so that everyone will know what happen to me.



Luckily the cute guy is available to help me with my litreature review and I get to have lunch and dinner with some really good friends and my roomate was so patient with me.. in some way, I am consider lucky^^

24/7/10 Accident and Funfair

I was going to see my friend's little sister after we had lunch together, I miss her so much, such a wonderful girl but after we order, BANG!!! I heard this, a motorcycle hit a bike and I just can't pretend to not know, so as usual...I ran there to see if I can help..ironically, the girl that was hit turn out to be my friend's roommate's girlfriend.. we rush her to the hospital and stay there with her, but we did went out to have lunch at 3 something and also meet up with his sister, she gave me a nice big hug which the whole bus was watching since she was on a tour to visit UTAR only and everyone have to wait so that we can meet...

The accident girl was released from the hospital and luckily she was alright...and her boyfriend finally get to breath again...

At night, after dinner, my other friends and I went to the funfair, we played and it was fun...my roommate played until dizzy...haha...so lame...

I still haven't found my pen drive yet, hopping my 8GB will show up soon...my darling(laptop) went sick (broke), so sad...sob sob... T-T"

23/7/10 Test@@

Today started out bad, I had gastric early in the morning and at start, I really don't want to eat meds but it got worse once I started the test so I walk out and buy myself some active fast panadol, I put the rest of it on the shelf on the way getting back to my sit. After the exam, it was so weird, I took my bag and talk to my friends a while but when I went back to the shelf to take the panadol, it was already gone, some strange incident that is...

I was glad that I finally talk to the pink guy and he is actually quit friendly, maybe at first he just don't know how to communicate with others so he protects himself by putting on a scary face. I am glad that I didn't gave up just like that, eventually, he was open to communicate with me...

My bike's chain broke on the way home which nearly cause me an accident and I have to fix it under the angry and fierce sun, caused me a pair of clean hands but never mind...at least my bike didn't let me walk home by myself...

I was planning on having a nap but had insomnia again...why can't I just close my eyes and sleep like everyone else...that would be so nice to just fall asleep whenever I wanted to...^^

21/7/10 Strange day

Today is like being in different dimension in a same day, well..when I was in counselling class, there was a story saying that there is crocodile in the pond outside school, I find that impossible and funny. I think it's some kind of a reptile though.

When in life span class, we were asked to listen to a talk..it was call "Social Enterprise" if I am not mistaken, it is a combination of human behaviour and business, helping but having income at the same time. I was quit impress by the idea actually. Before the talk show start, I actually apologised to that cool girl, I guess I just gave up, I tried communicating with her but she seems to hate me so I apologised for whatever that I did and gave up on her.

In psychology class, it was an open book test today and after that I borrowed one of my pens to the cute guy and he actually broke my pen, the pen was new and until now I still can't understand how on earth can a guy accidentally broke a pen just by writing with it, must have some kind of strong grip there, haha... when I told our friends bout it, they laugh until their stomach pain...

English class was so boring today and had to pass up another essay next week, but I just see this as an opportunity for me to know my teammates more...and I forgot to say this, my roommate's name officially became Chibi Maruko( Xiao Wan Zhi)...she hates it but she got no choice but to accept it, haha... and I found out that she eats apple by holding a bowl underneath, which is a little weird for me but cute...^^

Down

The internet went diconnected....again!!! So frustrating when this happen!!!

My two little brothers!!! sigh...
I was looking forward to post a lot but I am just too down for that... I call my brother today and found out that he is working?!?!? wat is wrong with him! I dnt think i can ever understand it, he is like living in a world of stuff, always want to buy stuff...nid money for this and that. Even for tuition, he also spend more... sigh...I am so tired of being the one who needs to look after them and trying to understand them...just so....tired... I really wanted to have a life of my own, I want a life that have priorities of my own... (this might sound selfish but I am just thinking bout it, as if I can really not worried bout them..lol) I worried but i NEVER once said it out loud... I dnt want them to worried bout me so eventually they dnt knw ANYTHING bout me, I love them, and I know they love me...but..this will just not do, I can't watch over every step that they are taking to protect them...I have to let him fall even if this might hurt...

well...sometimes I envy the people who will get homesick, at least in this way, they will know they have a place that can let them breath and stop as shelter...but for me...home is just a name, I stop seeing it more than that since i dnt knw when... I envy people who hates their faher because at least there is something there, something to be hate about...it's better than mine, I wish that I could feel something for him but...not even hate...no nothing...it's like two passing by strangers...I really do envy them...

I don't tell much to people about my family because there is nothing there to tell, they are human, and they don't know anything about me because I don't tak about it, I don't tell them anything...I tried before but..to them...I am just weird.. I can't accept someone that can't accept me... I never wanted to go home whenever I don't have to...when I do, it's usually because I don't have a place to sleep, no sympathy is needed because I don't feel like having a real family will make a different anyway...I might always have a smile on my face but am I really happy. I might seems to be eager to talk to other ppl but... am I really that eager? Sometimes it turns out that even I don't know how I feel...but one things for sure...this blogging things really do help...a lot...it keeps me sane...

Yesterday I also met someone which it's kind of funny actually... we were at the same primary school and secondary school but we never talk b4. I was at the cafeteria and I asked if we know each other then we started talking...then we realized that we actually have a lot of friends in common... he's a nice guy...funny from time to time, haha...hope that we can be good friends too... May tomorrow I can be even more independent...^^

20/7/10 So0o0ooo Much to write

Borrowing my roommate's laptop to update things right now, I should start with 21/7/10, I was so busy but everyday, I still manage to have things happening...haha...not really a bad thing though since it makes my life colourful... I jot down what had happen for the past week and it started with this, it was my off day from school and every Tuesday, it was supposed to be a boring dull day but the night of this day came up pretty busy, I had a discussion with the English group, and everything went pretty well and I learn a lot about them.

I am still having trouble communicating with one of the girls (communication error), the Chinese look guy was absent, but there is this girl which I enjoy talking to very much, I think I will call her the optimistic girl, she was trying to finished a flying heart art craft for her friend's birthday as I remember and they were so beautiful, if got chance, I will sure learn this origami from her. She is very easy to talk to and have her own view on things...hope that we will be great friends...

After they leave, it was already 12a.m plus, there was a surprise party afterwards for one of my housemate, she must be very happy and cherish every moment of that party, the candle was so nicely done in my rental lady's living room saying "Happy Birthday 21", I could see their hard work on it. There was cake fight, pictures, videos was taken, and after opening the present, it was already 3a.m so, we all went home to sleep, it was fun but very tiring...

Internet down

Today I only got one class and everything are supposed to be simple but...as usual...my life will just have to have something come up at the last second... The incident happen like this: after I put in my part of the assignment, the whole assignment should be complete but my internet connection had a melt down and my info is unavailable to be reached so it turn out that my only contribution to the group became the introduction and taking it to print only... Sigh...I don’t want to be a vase, because that is just pathetic... I hate it when things that don’t go smooth affect not just me but others as well... Everything just stuck there because of the melt down, almost the same when your computer hang, u have the computer with you but u just can’t do anything with it... crush my mood only so... I decided to wait until next morning to finish it...

I do my other things, after a while I try to sign in and continue to chat with my brother and friends but in the end, even my blog have to wait until this morning to be update, after I post up my blog and just sign in to facebook, before I get to find any info, the internet crash again. Now only I realize that internet plays such an important role of my life... I have to admit that I am not pleased but... it’s ok, I can deal with that... I just wish it could just choose a time where I don’t need it this urgent to melt down...

About internet, I remember about something...I kind of gave up on everything that is important to me some time ago... Well...at that time, I kind of live in my room... I have done nothing except for draw a little bit and read a little book, I don’t go online, don’t use computer except when I wanted to play a little offline games. I even try to read the dictionary...I have practically become the ultimate “otaku”... but for some reason...I don’t hate that life, I actually feel quite comfortable with that because, in that half year of my life, it is the first time I feel peace... nothing is wrong, I don’t work, I don’t talk, don’t care what am I wearing, don’t care about my hairstyle, no accidents, no adventure, no test, no problems waiting to be solve... it’s just so...calm...but...it’s boring....

I am a pity person that can’t bared to live peacefully, I need troubles and I need problems, I need adventure, to me...calm and normal is not enough...it just don’t fit me that much... am I too greedy? I actually want a life that I can live, not just survive in, and wanted to be alive...not just functioning... I know that is a lot to ask but, at least I have the right to hope... I want to know more, experience new things, try new food for example...I haven’t ate spider before, haha....

That is about it; I now have to completely focus on study and will not be posting anything if it is not extremely important or unique...

Exhausted day

I only got the mood and the time to write my blog now, skip a day is because yesterday's my Internet connection was down...second is because i went back to the hostel a little bit later than usual.... Let see...where shall i start first?

Erm...yesterday's class was long and boring, one of my lecturer ask me to say something about daily life so I say something bout the food around here...I remember I said something like the food here is all fried this ,fried that, not chicken, then fish and all fried fried, fried, bored and unhealthy... it is so hard to find vegetable around here and if got, the veges will taste like paper...so0o0o0o0oooo hard to swallow.... the whole class agree and laugh... like last time I said the management at the school sucks, they also give the same reaction, maybe my words does got little effect on ppl..haha...

Apart from this lecturer, another lecturer today was in big trouble...he lost his name list and the monitor broke and the class is very cold, boring and a little scary...but the outcome was quit ok...because we all found a same topic to talk about which is talk bad things about that lecturer, wakakakakakaka....we even discuss if his hair was real...haha...bad lo...

After class, I went back to hostel just to put down my things... I realized that my rental lady was cooking, but I go out also because my friend's car is already outside waiting... my housemate should have inform me earlier... but what to do, I already promised my friends... I can't just tell them to eat alone, that's wrong...so I had a long dinner with friends and I know a little bit more about the new guy and the cute one too... I found some incommen with the cute one. The assignment is almost done and I think I can past it up tomorrow for sure...

The dinner today is a little deep, I told a nice guy something deep... he is the friend of the new guy and I forgot bout what we were talking about but I told him that long lasting love don't exist... I told him that, we make our self believe that we should get married and have a life then die happily, but when we grow up and start working, everything became the same, we do the same thing over and over again everyday... at last we became a passionless and soulless machine that operates... I am not saying that there is no love in this world, I just believe it in parts, marriage start from love but last because of something else, there is love at the beginning but when time past, that is just the way it goes...For example, when u are younger, u like a girl or boy and when u grow older, u like another different person, then suddenly when u are married, u wont like other ppl anymore? what changes? A piece of paper? A promise? After some years...we don't think anymore, we just go along... If we do think, that might just be why there is a thing call DIVORCE...

The unknown future attracts me so much....because that is where the excitement is...the place where i can still make mistake and be stupid... I will try not to let my life go according to robotic system, I will try to keep my passion and live my life... just as I said b4 at school, dare to fight, dare to dream, prove yourself with no regrets... May my life be fill with colours...

Apologize

Today I apologize to my bff because i really think that I shouldn't just lost such a great friend over a girl...so not worth it...and I can't just judge him base on one incident...he is always by my side for anything else and a relationship like this don't come often, he screw up this time but he did right every other time... After I put this problem down... I feel so much more better... music sounds better, the birds looks prettier and they are even singing to me...haha...haluscinating...
I want to know everything but he didn't reply my message yet so..I think I will wait for it... I think his gf is somewhat special and I am sure his gf is very lucky to have him...
From this moment on, I am going to be very focus on my homework and prepare for the mid term...even if I am late but I do believe that I have certain talent in this and it might just not be so bad...ok...that's about it...have to continue study lo....may tomorrow I will study even harder...

Thinking...

Today is a fine day....actually I didn't get much sleep yesterday since a little too much thinking was performed.... I don't want to think, but I just can't help wondering if I am over reacting for the gf thing...today I seems to have calm down, not really feeling anything already...

Well...lets talk something bout today... today is hectic like any usual Monday... but it's not bad... I have been trying to avoid some of my friends just for the misunderstanding to swell down... she just think that I have feelings for her man regardless of the truth...sigh... so hard to explain this kind of things...

Well... I hang out with the new guy throughout the day which is quit boring... well, since we don't really have much incommon and I like big group more... I think that time will make everything better... just have to let it flow slowly...

Yesterday one of my housemate cut his finger while opening the can meat... well...yesterday I was too busy with other thing until forgot bout this, but he seems to be fine now and I am really glad he will heal soon although the cut is a little deeper than i expected...
Today my last class end a little bit earlier and my land lady cook for us, she really know how to cook, taste delicious and looks good too...but somehow the atmosphere is a little strange now and then...
There is a girl in my class acted very strangely when I appear... she tend to stop speaking and have no interest in listening to me as well... I don't know her and she don't know me but I don't think she likes me very much...I don't know why she acted the way she did but I am too tired to find out why right now, I already got too much on my hands right now...
That gentleman in my class turn out to be just another boy, when he is around his friends, he acted like a child...always so playful and he talks to every girl that is around him, might just be another guy that can't make u fell safe...
I am tired and I think sleeping is good for me now, hope that tomorrow discussion will be smooth...

Being childish and stupid

Almost everyone will have best friends and maybe I am asking too much...I tend to think that best friend should be the first one to know everything...at least something like having a gf is a big enough thing... I thought that the process of wanting to be with someone might actually be a sort of important process to seek ur best friend in that process...

I can't be sure if I am being depressed, upset or angry now...is it because I am not the first one who knows or because I am late for a month to know and have to know it from facebook? I turn numb at first but he seems to think that I should be curious about his new gf than shock or even try to explain, still using that kind of joking tone...that makes me even angrier... I am slow in relationship but I am not dumb... At first, I want to pretend like I am fine like I always do but I can't, I just can't...if u dnt want me to know, just said so...please dnt lie to me and pretend that it's ok and everything should be fine...
Why am I making such a big deal out of it? I don't know either... ,maybe not to others but to me... this is important, I am not the kind of person that tells secret, I only told him... he has become more than a friend to me...any other ppl, I can understand or I wont even care but not him, not for any reason... maybe I expected too much.. I always get myself crash whenever I expected something....not anymore... not after this time, he just murder my last sense of hope...
My trust and respect don't come easy, u have to earn them and he just lost it... I even sms saying that I dnt know much bout him but he still failed to mention anything bout that... I love this guy, I really do... not romantic kind, but I did plan on telling everything and anything to him until the day I die... stupid huh? yup, very stupid... I never should have hope, because this is the thing that always makes me drop... U don't just start a relationship, u ought to have a process and bff should have know during that process....
For a moment, he actually say that I dint seem to be interested when he claims that he did mention something, so he didn't say anything...waoh...that's just bull shit...even if that is the truth, u should have say something... nothing at all for a month (year)? Even if I am in a relationship that is completely not serious, I tell... even if it's just a crush...I tell... maybe guys are just different from girls, it's stupid for me to expect the same... but somehow I did.... He said..I don't know how he feels? That is just hilarious to me....it's because I know him too well that makes me angry.... he don't just start a relationship, he is a guy with plans and he thinks... somehow, it didn't occur to him to even mention a possible relationship to a best friends who tells everything...and certainly after starting it also failed to inform? That's too big of a surprise that I can take through facebook... He gave me a reason that I can't accept either...
Maybe I am just angry of myself for feeling stupid to know that my best friend is in a serious relationship from facebook... or I am angry with myself for expect the same thing that i give out... maybe I am angry because even simple things like this, he can't tell me, or the worse is won't tell me... then what am I to him? just a passer? Or a nobody? Here I am... planning to tell him something very important, intimate and nobody else know about...

I guess that is just about it, I dnt have to tell him anything... because I am just a nobody.... maybe he don't even cares... I don't know how he feels!!! He is the one who don't know how I feel, I am stupid because I actually care, I actually want to be a part of someone's life where that someone doesn't even bother remember telling me anything... You know what...I am not angry... I am actually heart broken...because it seems to me that someone who is so important to me failed to even mention something that is important to him... I failed to be a part of something important... I am just disappointed with myself.... maybe I am just not worth to be told of anything... Timing does matter or else time will not be part of life....