27/7/10 Luck

I don't know what is wrong throughout the week, really some luck I got here, can't even have a proper meal. I still haven't got back my darling yet which is very frustrating because I can't do anything without her.. Sometimes I think I depend too much on darling, but the truth is, I can't not to...because the world is forcing me to depend on her...luckily I love her very much...

I finished the introduction for life span by borrowing my roommate's laptop which is actually very kind of her. Then at night, my English teammate came to my hostel to do another essay, there is this other girl was suppose to come to my hostel but he didn't show up so, I was getting worried since lately, the security here is not that good, everyone should be careful. She was coming my hostel to bring laptop to one of my teammate which I have no idea what the transport is and luckily later when my teammate was leaving, she show up in a car, with nothing but her usual sunshine smile, what a relief to see her...

Before essay, We were supposed to have dinner which somehow the cute guy's car broke down because of no battery, luckily his brother and housemate came to the rescue...the exhaust pipe's smoke was so smoky and smelly...

That's about it for this day...

28/7/10 Strange day...

Got back my darling just now which is the greatest news I had the whole week...and I have decided to go back hometown tomorrow to solve somethings.

Today I share some of my personal life in class which I will never ever do it again since I don't think anyone care and it is my personal life after all, better just keep it personal...

I was scolded by a women trough a private number phone call, which this is what a strange person like me also find it strange... She claims that I stole her boyfriend and tell me to stay away from him. What the hell happen to this world until people like me is label as boyfriend thief... After I confronted the boyfriend which i miraculously have until I don't even know, only I know that he has no idea who she was. This scares me even more...since this mean, we have a psycho secret admire around us...I wonder if she spy...

I really don't want any unnecessary misunderstand, I only wanted to be friendly but somehow, it became slutty to some people...Sigh...

26/7/10 Didn't sleep

One of teammate seems to have problems with her part of the assignment which is almost the whole assignment so the cute guy and I have to step on it. He came to my hostel and we just make an assignment out from scratch... I was so tired and my shoulder feels like it is going to fall down anytime soon... The good news is I found my 8GB pen drive, it was with my housemate, we kind of forgot about it and the important part is just got it back.

My darling is still sick and that doctor just keep giving me tons of excuses..I hate that guy and my poor darling...=(

One of my teammates seems to be avoiding my calls which upset me a little and make my day even more depressing but at least I finished the assignment and I know who to trust and who not to.

The only good thing that happen today is, the girl which I thought hate me, actually turn out to be another nice person that protects herself with angry face, she got a lot of great friends around her which I think she notice it already and I hope I will get to know her better in the future.^^

25/7/10 Arhhhh!!!!!!

Very very bad mood...I still can't find my 8GB, and my darling(laptop)was send into a clinic(shop) to be fix, which I don't think that doctor(repairmen) know what to do at all...he was confuse bout everything...my poor darling with this crappy doctor, the minute I walk in is already a mistake...



My assignment went stuck without my darling, I really nid her badly...=(
Luckily I have a great roomate that willing to borrow me her laptop and I get to check out something and make some statement on facebook so that everyone will know what happen to me.



Luckily the cute guy is available to help me with my litreature review and I get to have lunch and dinner with some really good friends and my roomate was so patient with me.. in some way, I am consider lucky^^

24/7/10 Accident and Funfair

I was going to see my friend's little sister after we had lunch together, I miss her so much, such a wonderful girl but after we order, BANG!!! I heard this, a motorcycle hit a bike and I just can't pretend to not know, so as usual...I ran there to see if I can help..ironically, the girl that was hit turn out to be my friend's roommate's girlfriend.. we rush her to the hospital and stay there with her, but we did went out to have lunch at 3 something and also meet up with his sister, she gave me a nice big hug which the whole bus was watching since she was on a tour to visit UTAR only and everyone have to wait so that we can meet...

The accident girl was released from the hospital and luckily she was alright...and her boyfriend finally get to breath again...

At night, after dinner, my other friends and I went to the funfair, we played and it was fun...my roommate played until dizzy...haha...so lame...

I still haven't found my pen drive yet, hopping my 8GB will show up soon...my darling(laptop) went sick (broke), so sad...sob sob... T-T"

23/7/10 Test@@

Today started out bad, I had gastric early in the morning and at start, I really don't want to eat meds but it got worse once I started the test so I walk out and buy myself some active fast panadol, I put the rest of it on the shelf on the way getting back to my sit. After the exam, it was so weird, I took my bag and talk to my friends a while but when I went back to the shelf to take the panadol, it was already gone, some strange incident that is...

I was glad that I finally talk to the pink guy and he is actually quit friendly, maybe at first he just don't know how to communicate with others so he protects himself by putting on a scary face. I am glad that I didn't gave up just like that, eventually, he was open to communicate with me...

My bike's chain broke on the way home which nearly cause me an accident and I have to fix it under the angry and fierce sun, caused me a pair of clean hands but never mind...at least my bike didn't let me walk home by myself...

I was planning on having a nap but had insomnia again...why can't I just close my eyes and sleep like everyone else...that would be so nice to just fall asleep whenever I wanted to...^^

21/7/10 Strange day

Today is like being in different dimension in a same day, well..when I was in counselling class, there was a story saying that there is crocodile in the pond outside school, I find that impossible and funny. I think it's some kind of a reptile though.

When in life span class, we were asked to listen to a talk..it was call "Social Enterprise" if I am not mistaken, it is a combination of human behaviour and business, helping but having income at the same time. I was quit impress by the idea actually. Before the talk show start, I actually apologised to that cool girl, I guess I just gave up, I tried communicating with her but she seems to hate me so I apologised for whatever that I did and gave up on her.

In psychology class, it was an open book test today and after that I borrowed one of my pens to the cute guy and he actually broke my pen, the pen was new and until now I still can't understand how on earth can a guy accidentally broke a pen just by writing with it, must have some kind of strong grip there, haha... when I told our friends bout it, they laugh until their stomach pain...

English class was so boring today and had to pass up another essay next week, but I just see this as an opportunity for me to know my teammates more...and I forgot to say this, my roommate's name officially became Chibi Maruko( Xiao Wan Zhi)...she hates it but she got no choice but to accept it, haha... and I found out that she eats apple by holding a bowl underneath, which is a little weird for me but cute...^^

Down

The internet went diconnected....again!!! So frustrating when this happen!!!

My two little brothers!!! sigh...
I was looking forward to post a lot but I am just too down for that... I call my brother today and found out that he is working?!?!? wat is wrong with him! I dnt think i can ever understand it, he is like living in a world of stuff, always want to buy stuff...nid money for this and that. Even for tuition, he also spend more... sigh...I am so tired of being the one who needs to look after them and trying to understand them...just so....tired... I really wanted to have a life of my own, I want a life that have priorities of my own... (this might sound selfish but I am just thinking bout it, as if I can really not worried bout them..lol) I worried but i NEVER once said it out loud... I dnt want them to worried bout me so eventually they dnt knw ANYTHING bout me, I love them, and I know they love me...but..this will just not do, I can't watch over every step that they are taking to protect them...I have to let him fall even if this might hurt...

well...sometimes I envy the people who will get homesick, at least in this way, they will know they have a place that can let them breath and stop as shelter...but for me...home is just a name, I stop seeing it more than that since i dnt knw when... I envy people who hates their faher because at least there is something there, something to be hate about...it's better than mine, I wish that I could feel something for him but...not even hate...no nothing...it's like two passing by strangers...I really do envy them...

I don't tell much to people about my family because there is nothing there to tell, they are human, and they don't know anything about me because I don't tak about it, I don't tell them anything...I tried before but..to them...I am just weird.. I can't accept someone that can't accept me... I never wanted to go home whenever I don't have to...when I do, it's usually because I don't have a place to sleep, no sympathy is needed because I don't feel like having a real family will make a different anyway...I might always have a smile on my face but am I really happy. I might seems to be eager to talk to other ppl but... am I really that eager? Sometimes it turns out that even I don't know how I feel...but one things for sure...this blogging things really do help...a lot...it keeps me sane...

Yesterday I also met someone which it's kind of funny actually... we were at the same primary school and secondary school but we never talk b4. I was at the cafeteria and I asked if we know each other then we started talking...then we realized that we actually have a lot of friends in common... he's a nice guy...funny from time to time, haha...hope that we can be good friends too... May tomorrow I can be even more independent...^^

20/7/10 So0o0ooo Much to write

Borrowing my roommate's laptop to update things right now, I should start with 21/7/10, I was so busy but everyday, I still manage to have things happening...haha...not really a bad thing though since it makes my life colourful... I jot down what had happen for the past week and it started with this, it was my off day from school and every Tuesday, it was supposed to be a boring dull day but the night of this day came up pretty busy, I had a discussion with the English group, and everything went pretty well and I learn a lot about them.

I am still having trouble communicating with one of the girls (communication error), the Chinese look guy was absent, but there is this girl which I enjoy talking to very much, I think I will call her the optimistic girl, she was trying to finished a flying heart art craft for her friend's birthday as I remember and they were so beautiful, if got chance, I will sure learn this origami from her. She is very easy to talk to and have her own view on things...hope that we will be great friends...

After they leave, it was already 12a.m plus, there was a surprise party afterwards for one of my housemate, she must be very happy and cherish every moment of that party, the candle was so nicely done in my rental lady's living room saying "Happy Birthday 21", I could see their hard work on it. There was cake fight, pictures, videos was taken, and after opening the present, it was already 3a.m so, we all went home to sleep, it was fun but very tiring...

Internet down

Today I only got one class and everything are supposed to be simple but...as usual...my life will just have to have something come up at the last second... The incident happen like this: after I put in my part of the assignment, the whole assignment should be complete but my internet connection had a melt down and my info is unavailable to be reached so it turn out that my only contribution to the group became the introduction and taking it to print only... Sigh...I don’t want to be a vase, because that is just pathetic... I hate it when things that don’t go smooth affect not just me but others as well... Everything just stuck there because of the melt down, almost the same when your computer hang, u have the computer with you but u just can’t do anything with it... crush my mood only so... I decided to wait until next morning to finish it...

I do my other things, after a while I try to sign in and continue to chat with my brother and friends but in the end, even my blog have to wait until this morning to be update, after I post up my blog and just sign in to facebook, before I get to find any info, the internet crash again. Now only I realize that internet plays such an important role of my life... I have to admit that I am not pleased but... it’s ok, I can deal with that... I just wish it could just choose a time where I don’t need it this urgent to melt down...

About internet, I remember about something...I kind of gave up on everything that is important to me some time ago... Well...at that time, I kind of live in my room... I have done nothing except for draw a little bit and read a little book, I don’t go online, don’t use computer except when I wanted to play a little offline games. I even try to read the dictionary...I have practically become the ultimate “otaku”... but for some reason...I don’t hate that life, I actually feel quite comfortable with that because, in that half year of my life, it is the first time I feel peace... nothing is wrong, I don’t work, I don’t talk, don’t care what am I wearing, don’t care about my hairstyle, no accidents, no adventure, no test, no problems waiting to be solve... it’s just so...calm...but...it’s boring....

I am a pity person that can’t bared to live peacefully, I need troubles and I need problems, I need adventure, to me...calm and normal is not enough...it just don’t fit me that much... am I too greedy? I actually want a life that I can live, not just survive in, and wanted to be alive...not just functioning... I know that is a lot to ask but, at least I have the right to hope... I want to know more, experience new things, try new food for example...I haven’t ate spider before, haha....

That is about it; I now have to completely focus on study and will not be posting anything if it is not extremely important or unique...

Exhausted day

I only got the mood and the time to write my blog now, skip a day is because yesterday's my Internet connection was down...second is because i went back to the hostel a little bit later than usual.... Let see...where shall i start first?

Erm...yesterday's class was long and boring, one of my lecturer ask me to say something about daily life so I say something bout the food around here...I remember I said something like the food here is all fried this ,fried that, not chicken, then fish and all fried fried, fried, bored and unhealthy... it is so hard to find vegetable around here and if got, the veges will taste like paper...so0o0o0o0oooo hard to swallow.... the whole class agree and laugh... like last time I said the management at the school sucks, they also give the same reaction, maybe my words does got little effect on ppl..haha...

Apart from this lecturer, another lecturer today was in big trouble...he lost his name list and the monitor broke and the class is very cold, boring and a little scary...but the outcome was quit ok...because we all found a same topic to talk about which is talk bad things about that lecturer, wakakakakakaka....we even discuss if his hair was real...haha...bad lo...

After class, I went back to hostel just to put down my things... I realized that my rental lady was cooking, but I go out also because my friend's car is already outside waiting... my housemate should have inform me earlier... but what to do, I already promised my friends... I can't just tell them to eat alone, that's wrong...so I had a long dinner with friends and I know a little bit more about the new guy and the cute one too... I found some incommen with the cute one. The assignment is almost done and I think I can past it up tomorrow for sure...

The dinner today is a little deep, I told a nice guy something deep... he is the friend of the new guy and I forgot bout what we were talking about but I told him that long lasting love don't exist... I told him that, we make our self believe that we should get married and have a life then die happily, but when we grow up and start working, everything became the same, we do the same thing over and over again everyday... at last we became a passionless and soulless machine that operates... I am not saying that there is no love in this world, I just believe it in parts, marriage start from love but last because of something else, there is love at the beginning but when time past, that is just the way it goes...For example, when u are younger, u like a girl or boy and when u grow older, u like another different person, then suddenly when u are married, u wont like other ppl anymore? what changes? A piece of paper? A promise? After some years...we don't think anymore, we just go along... If we do think, that might just be why there is a thing call DIVORCE...

The unknown future attracts me so much....because that is where the excitement is...the place where i can still make mistake and be stupid... I will try not to let my life go according to robotic system, I will try to keep my passion and live my life... just as I said b4 at school, dare to fight, dare to dream, prove yourself with no regrets... May my life be fill with colours...

Apologize

Today I apologize to my bff because i really think that I shouldn't just lost such a great friend over a girl...so not worth it...and I can't just judge him base on one incident...he is always by my side for anything else and a relationship like this don't come often, he screw up this time but he did right every other time... After I put this problem down... I feel so much more better... music sounds better, the birds looks prettier and they are even singing to me...haha...haluscinating...
I want to know everything but he didn't reply my message yet so..I think I will wait for it... I think his gf is somewhat special and I am sure his gf is very lucky to have him...
From this moment on, I am going to be very focus on my homework and prepare for the mid term...even if I am late but I do believe that I have certain talent in this and it might just not be so bad...ok...that's about it...have to continue study lo....may tomorrow I will study even harder...

Thinking...

Today is a fine day....actually I didn't get much sleep yesterday since a little too much thinking was performed.... I don't want to think, but I just can't help wondering if I am over reacting for the gf thing...today I seems to have calm down, not really feeling anything already...

Well...lets talk something bout today... today is hectic like any usual Monday... but it's not bad... I have been trying to avoid some of my friends just for the misunderstanding to swell down... she just think that I have feelings for her man regardless of the truth...sigh... so hard to explain this kind of things...

Well... I hang out with the new guy throughout the day which is quit boring... well, since we don't really have much incommon and I like big group more... I think that time will make everything better... just have to let it flow slowly...

Yesterday one of my housemate cut his finger while opening the can meat... well...yesterday I was too busy with other thing until forgot bout this, but he seems to be fine now and I am really glad he will heal soon although the cut is a little deeper than i expected...
Today my last class end a little bit earlier and my land lady cook for us, she really know how to cook, taste delicious and looks good too...but somehow the atmosphere is a little strange now and then...
There is a girl in my class acted very strangely when I appear... she tend to stop speaking and have no interest in listening to me as well... I don't know her and she don't know me but I don't think she likes me very much...I don't know why she acted the way she did but I am too tired to find out why right now, I already got too much on my hands right now...
That gentleman in my class turn out to be just another boy, when he is around his friends, he acted like a child...always so playful and he talks to every girl that is around him, might just be another guy that can't make u fell safe...
I am tired and I think sleeping is good for me now, hope that tomorrow discussion will be smooth...

Being childish and stupid

Almost everyone will have best friends and maybe I am asking too much...I tend to think that best friend should be the first one to know everything...at least something like having a gf is a big enough thing... I thought that the process of wanting to be with someone might actually be a sort of important process to seek ur best friend in that process...

I can't be sure if I am being depressed, upset or angry now...is it because I am not the first one who knows or because I am late for a month to know and have to know it from facebook? I turn numb at first but he seems to think that I should be curious about his new gf than shock or even try to explain, still using that kind of joking tone...that makes me even angrier... I am slow in relationship but I am not dumb... At first, I want to pretend like I am fine like I always do but I can't, I just can't...if u dnt want me to know, just said so...please dnt lie to me and pretend that it's ok and everything should be fine...
Why am I making such a big deal out of it? I don't know either... ,maybe not to others but to me... this is important, I am not the kind of person that tells secret, I only told him... he has become more than a friend to me...any other ppl, I can understand or I wont even care but not him, not for any reason... maybe I expected too much.. I always get myself crash whenever I expected something....not anymore... not after this time, he just murder my last sense of hope...
My trust and respect don't come easy, u have to earn them and he just lost it... I even sms saying that I dnt know much bout him but he still failed to mention anything bout that... I love this guy, I really do... not romantic kind, but I did plan on telling everything and anything to him until the day I die... stupid huh? yup, very stupid... I never should have hope, because this is the thing that always makes me drop... U don't just start a relationship, u ought to have a process and bff should have know during that process....
For a moment, he actually say that I dint seem to be interested when he claims that he did mention something, so he didn't say anything...waoh...that's just bull shit...even if that is the truth, u should have say something... nothing at all for a month (year)? Even if I am in a relationship that is completely not serious, I tell... even if it's just a crush...I tell... maybe guys are just different from girls, it's stupid for me to expect the same... but somehow I did.... He said..I don't know how he feels? That is just hilarious to me....it's because I know him too well that makes me angry.... he don't just start a relationship, he is a guy with plans and he thinks... somehow, it didn't occur to him to even mention a possible relationship to a best friends who tells everything...and certainly after starting it also failed to inform? That's too big of a surprise that I can take through facebook... He gave me a reason that I can't accept either...
Maybe I am just angry of myself for feeling stupid to know that my best friend is in a serious relationship from facebook... or I am angry with myself for expect the same thing that i give out... maybe I am angry because even simple things like this, he can't tell me, or the worse is won't tell me... then what am I to him? just a passer? Or a nobody? Here I am... planning to tell him something very important, intimate and nobody else know about...

I guess that is just about it, I dnt have to tell him anything... because I am just a nobody.... maybe he don't even cares... I don't know how he feels!!! He is the one who don't know how I feel, I am stupid because I actually care, I actually want to be a part of someone's life where that someone doesn't even bother remember telling me anything... You know what...I am not angry... I am actually heart broken...because it seems to me that someone who is so important to me failed to even mention something that is important to him... I failed to be a part of something important... I am just disappointed with myself.... maybe I am just not worth to be told of anything... Timing does matter or else time will not be part of life....

Stupid or hope

I had insomia again, how nice is that...for the whole night, rolling back and forward on the bed only...I wonder if I even slept...my whole body feels like I have been hit by a truck or something... I am angry...I don't even know of what...maybe I am dissapointed more than I am angry... I aspected friends to be honest and treat me as a friend instead I feel like a white rat in the lab being observed by the one who is suppose to be my friend... even through facebook, I can feel it, the uncomfortable feeling that I get just from words...

Sometimes I don't know this is a gift or a curse...I get to talk to ppl like I know them for long time already even if this is just my first time meeting them....I can get ppl to tell secrets, I can know more about a person in a month more than other ppl can in a year but unfortunately I can also sence hatred towards me even by words or just a simple micro expression...sometimes even when I don't want to...sometimes, I can tell...what ppl feels about me...even when I don't want to know...is those ppl who is really that bad in covering up emotion or it's just me being a freak.... I only hope for honesty and I think that is just too much to ask from a friend... Is it really stupid to want honesty? Or people are supposed to have hope for at least something? I only wish that ppl can see the good in me but it turns out to be fake? How on earth does that happened... unbelievable...

calm happy day

Today, I found useful info on the internet for my assignment and things seems to be working out pretty well...just face it...when it comes to working or doing something serious, i will be better with men than women... after my new teamate and I ate lunch together, he and the other guy came to my hostel and things just went pretty smoothly and I know more about them in this few hours than the others do...I really hope this keep up and things will be be even better someday...
I went for shopping today, and this time I actualy feel joy, o yeah...before I went out, my rental lady call my hostel leader to ask me if I wanted to buy a printer, how nice of she but I can't help wondering how did she know that I was even looking for one... I don't recall telling her that... anyway...i went for shopping, my roomate and I even bought the same cloth, haha... and then after i went home... my housemate from the opposite room suddenly jump out from their room, after asking only I know that there is a bee inside but the guy took care of it...so brave..haha...that is about all today...

Missing

The picture is the food my housemate cooked yesterday, there is one more soup actually but I forgot to take the picture of it,haha...

Throughout this week...I kind of saw a lot of my friends posting something about missing someone...and I kind of wish that I have that special someone to miss too... Well...it's not like I don't miss my family but...it's not the same thing isn't it?

It's been so long or it just feels long...since I last dated anyone....actually...come and think of it..it's not really that long...just 7 months only what... feels like forever... I am not saying I am desperate but, I kind of miss that feeling of being pamper, be scold because u accidentally hurt yourself (which is very often for me, haha...), be hug when u are sad, and having someone to just sit beside u silently when u are tense, this little things really makes life so much more easier for me...even colours seem brighter and everything is beautiful... I know how this might sound...it sounded silly right? Some may say all this is just hormone reaction and chemical changes in the brain... Somehow...to me, it's not silly but valuable... the way I value things is always a bit different, haha...but I think this time, there must be someone who agrees with me...

OK...enough from this heavy stuff... it's time for group discussion with my teammate again today and I sure hope things is fast to settle because I am kind of getting a little out of passion and patient here... I really like this course... and about this... I just remember that I kind of have something to post....

Crappy Day actually it's fine

Crappy day....is it me or everyone might just need to escape to somewhere sometime soon.... Everything is just so out of place today...the weather is like hell...the class is somewhat fun but I don't think I had learned anything...

My assignment is a lot of work that haven't even started, my mom is talking nonsense again, pushing me to buy a printer...like that is something very important or something like that...and I don't know if I am even breathing from all this chaos in one day... The worse part is, I am not sure if I understand what am I reading from the textbook, that is somewhat the particular thing that is making me tense up...Maybe because mid term is approaching and my mood just change like the weather...At first, when I went back to hostel, things was fine, I even think the flower by the pond is beautiful...then comes tons of trouble....I was only trying to find someone to have dinner with me, it's that really mission impossible???

Since the weather is crappy so...everyone just want to stay home...Now I don't even have mood to eat anymore...fortunately my housemate just told me that they are cooking...after I just found someone to eat with me, haha...how ironic is that... I just want my normal life back...I don't have to ask if ppl want to have dinner with me... we just go together...because this is what that is suppose to happen, u just have some sort of a gang and u do everything together.... Now... everything is like hunting for treasure...I have to search for dinner partner and group partner, class partner, toilet partner and everything else.... that is why I hated group at the first time...in the situation I am in right now...only disco music can calm me down a little bit... things should be simpler...everything should be just on auto pilot sometimes.... well... feel so much more better now... my mood is better now, haha... I am weird rite... I just needed some space for me to express myself, this is probably the only reason I created this blog in the first place anyway....

Let's say something happier now... tension go away... I hate u.... Well, my class teacher sang today...which is indeed the only fun I had for the whole day... Today just fly by so quickly and in my opinion...way too quickly... let's just see if the dinner tonight will cheer me up a little...and the result is...Haha...tonight, the food actually taste goodand look nice too...altought I still did eat something rotten but... it's fine...I can deal with that...and I know what my goal should be now...I am so going to enjoy every moment of this life and wish that someday I get to have my own unique place and I might just get the chance to go somewhere...to see different things for a change...to feel the world in a different way...and I should start here...and now. Wish me luck...

Surprise

Just as I expected... something happen tonight... something I consider a very warm and nice...incident. My housemate cooked today and the lady that rent this place to me came over and eat together...although the food does look a little horrible but somehow it feels like the best meal I had in a long long time...

I can't explain what I feel but I know I like it...I always thought that I will be fine and comfortable alone but somehow...after coming to here...they got this way of making me realise that I do need something nice once in a while... I feel strangely safe with them... I haven't felt safe with others for years now...and for the past 2 years, I am alone or I should say I never had anyone or anything to count on throughout my life... I actually feel like part of something now...which scares me a little bit....something might form and what if ppl can't accept the real me... I might be alone again... I might have something important that will be taken away from me (I know I think too much)....The fear of loosing something important is a lot for me to take in... From the moment I took this course... I know I have to learn to communicate again, and I am willing to learn... hopefully this time I will see the beauty in bonding... I will deal with fear and I know it's scary but maybe it is suppose to be the necessity for something wonderful...

When I was a little girl, my teachers and parent asked me about what I wanted to be when I grow up and then... when I grow older, they want a more definite answer and I answer them... who the hell knows, what am I supposed to know anything for sure... I might want to be a police, an actor or just a nobody... this is a phrase everyone will have to go thought...when ppl are young, they are supposed to be stupid, make mistake, get hurt, take on the wrong road and so on... we are suppose to be weak and get hurt very often so that we can prepare our self for the worse and it's like gambling...sometimes u get what u want and sometimes u don't... but either way, we get something call experience and that is the most important part....our memory, experience and what was taught to us is forming the us that we are today....It's time for me to test myself to see if I am already over the stage of being stupid and if those scars throughout the years paid off... I am willing to take the chance, besides...how bad could it be... it's just trying something or someone new, although it might turn out to be a disaster but it might lead to something good as well...who knows... life is just too short to play it safe...

Mistake makes ppl grow and it lead to a clearer future because at least we know what we don't want and what should we avoid doing... if I am wrong, let it be...I am willing to take the chance or I should say be stupid again... I should...haha..

Boring day...rare...

I only got one class today and it's damn early, and when I got there...the teacher kind of put something that I had already done in yesterday's class... becuse of that, teacher tell us to go home so that we won't disturb other ppl for their exam...lol...get up at 7 something for nothing... then I went back to hostel...continue sleeping and after i wake up and have lunch...I continue my own study which is now...getting a little boring...I don't think there is going to have anythig happening today but...erm..for my life...there is alway surprises, who knows...I might just have something to update soon...haha...

Need, Want

From a book, I find that things are simple, we are the one who is making things complicated, sometimes we get lost in life and usually it's because we think too much... it's not what we face everyday that is scary and making us lost in our own world, it's the way we process those things...


Things might not go as smooth as we want it to be but those are just cuts and bruises to achieve something we need... We tend to think what is important to us, but the truth is...we don't think bout that, we know it.... There is a lot of things that we just know, we don't think, we know... we know that important things is not what we want but what we need....Sometimes..ppl know that they are trap inside somewhere in their own mind but they don't know the way to come out...but the truth is...they do...


When we study, we know that in order to have a future, we should study hard, this is where the attention should be placed but we give ourself the excuses saying that there is so much distraction and so hard to focus, well...things like that do happen but as long as we know what we need instead of putting too much thinking on what we want or who we are, we are back on track again... in my opinion... in order to live, we must first learn how to survive... It's not like what we want is not important but what we need must come first... It's not about becoming who u want to be, but need to be first... Everybody wants the same thing, happiness, some thinks money makes them happy, some say love but in the end, we just want to be happy... To have that, we must learn how to survive first... nobody says we can't have both at the same time...(but lets not get too greedy first)


Reality is hard because we tend to forget what we need to do and turn to what we want... and then everything become so complicated because what we want is contra to what we need (we know it)...and then our life started to drift and we started to fall apart... when we do fall apart, all we can think of is what we want to do but not we need to do... We dnt want to give up in tought situation but we don't know what we need to do to make things right again because we are so trap inside of what we want untill we forget what we want either, that is the time where u forget where and when did u get lost...that is the time where I know for sure, it's time to get back on ur feet and think of reality...


We might try to find something, someone or anything that we just want to label it as important because we think that these is what makes u urself or will make u happy but the truth is, what makes u the u today is u... u are always u...just maybe a you that is floating or drifting but that is still u... U are happy when u get what u want but first u must balance that to the opstical call "what u need"....There is nothing wrong of wanting things, this is in our nature to do so...but the secret here is not forgetting what we need... as long as we can find that balance, we will find that things are easier than what we aspected...
Don't think this "It's easy for u to say" because if u think something is hard without even think or try it out first, even the easiest things became hard...I am still learning and always will, I am the same as all of you, trying to find the correct path if there is one.... I am not saying that it is easy to maintain and find balance in things but now that I have given u the reason u drift... maybe it's time for u to find ur own unique way of taking all this in and find that balance urself...


We are all the same but we are all different as well, we don't have to try to be unique because we are unique... some ppl always say that "I dnt care what other ppl think about me" but... they do care, otherwise they won't be telling ppl that they don't, by doing that, they are actually seeking approval, looking for someone to tell them that it's fine or cool to not care, but I do agree that doing something different or making differences do need some courage.

sometimes on somethings, changes is needed and it's right to do so....I'll give u that... we are all born to c the world in a certain way...it's in our gene but we are not bound to follow it, if not following the "law" that was followed by everyone feels right and it's not hurting anyone else and that's fine with me... As I said, changes do need courage... alot of it...but we will get throught it somehow... we are all survivors...

Slow but going

Today is kind of a good day, not great yet but it's OK...The most wonderful thing that happen today is my friends from high school and I finally got a chance to have dinner together...I am so happy, it's been a long time since I last saw them and they all change a little bit from appearance but inside of that, they are still the same, kind, loyal and helpful friends... I am glad that they contacted me and thanks to facebook and msn...I didn't lost contact with all my good friends... I try not to write anything about school since it's always about bad news, I am waiting froward to meet new friends and have more good news to share soon...

Maybe this school don't like me that much, maybe that is why I have to went in to all this troubles but, sooner or later...it will know that I am one of a kind and things will go smoother, haha...I am describing the school like a person, my brain must be clog or short circuit again...or I should say that my brain was never normal b4, haha.... hope that school's things will get better somehow... On the other hand... my personal life is going a lot smoother just as I imagine it will... things are going pretty well with my new friends and some of them are actually bonding with me, this might just be a great start for another exciting friendship in my life... Life is perfect because I am still alive and I am still having different colours added to this ordinary yet unique life of mine... Hopefully tomorrow will be another adventure....

Ouch!!! Yeah!!!

Why do I always get so soft hearted....Today is unlucky for me, I got class at morning till 8 at night, I was planning on having dinner with friends and my phone was out of battery since I am constanly on the phone with everyone and I think my battery die faster than usual, maybe it's time for a new battery...


As for the the dinner, I kind of miss it and the reason is because I can't contact them and here comes the soft hearted part, I was cycling back to hostel so that I can charge my phone and it was dark and I was in a hurry and suddenly out of nowhere came a cat...just jump out from the bushes, it was two cats chasing actualy...and I realy don't want to hit them so I turn...then...there is only sound...arh!!!bing!!!bong!!!biang!!!I got into an accident because of two cats...my knee and hands...haiz...but if I get to choose one more time, I will still avoid them, cant help it, it's in my nature...


I got back to the hostel with bruises and cuts here and there(nothing serious compare to what I faced b4), feeling hungry, tired and all alone...but I have no feeling of sad or sympathy for myself, all I can think of is quickly charge my phone and tell my friends that I am fine, they must be worried sick...


I then sat down here and type... well... come and think of it, there is lucky part of today too...I talk to a girl who I think is charming and extraordinary ( first impression), and I kinda know more about myself through her, I feel more comfortable with myself and I realy hope we can be good friends.


Meanwhile, there is this guy I met today, a gentleman (first impression)... he give out a message saying that there is no problem of letting ppl know u read hard, I hope I can get to know him better as well...^^ At class, got a game going today, and it was so funny, the most fun I had in a classroom... The conclusion is... today is a great start for possibly great friendship despite the unfortunate incident... Think positive is a perfect start for everything, and hope that tmr will be another adventure...

Bad morning, great night

Bad morning to start with but after that, all my best friend call and everything seem so much more easier,they helped me with my problems a lot...I am so going to miss them, they were always there for me and now I am all alone... They said to stay in touch... but I am afraid of is becaming more and more like stranger. These friends is the kind of friends that helped me, scream with me and cry with me... they are so important to me and somehow I didn't notice that b4... Time past me by, and I have forgotten, forgot bout the things that matters to me, forgot bout what a relationship meant to me, and slowly...I even forgot the feeling of being love... I forgot too many things untill I feel emptiness...I know that it will never go away but I can always fill it with something good... happiness comes by often, I will just have to notice it when it does come by... Feeling better than b4 and hopefuly tmr will be even better...

Stress

I tend to forget about eating when I am stressed out and now it happen again... I try to demolish this bad habbit but somehow it just didn't come to a result that I was hopping for... I realy don't like to do everything in a rush and have no planning or what so ever... When I am under stress or depressed, I tend to shut down... or maybe just went into hibernate... sometimes I realy wonder if this is even my choice... is it me who don't want to talk to ppl or maybe I just haven't found someone to talk to.... some of my good friends said that sometimes I have a look that said "I can settle everything myself, I don't need help thank you, just leave me alone". Am I realy sending out this kind of signal? Well... I do most of my things alone and independently but from the past few weeks, I suddenly notice that I am just human and I do have requirement... I do want a normal life... just wish that I could remember how...

Start

I am just starting to write in blog and I don't realy have any idea on what to write but I think everyday thing is more suitable, it's kind of my diary then... well, in that case, I should start like this. Today, I am not happy, things just push me around here and there...I don't feel in control and confident anymore... I used to be so in control but now, everything just seem so confusing and so grey... I am begining to loose my ability to see colour... I am also lost in this new world I am in. I am so used to being alone, but maybe I am tired now, maybe it's time for me to find a group, a place to rest and stop for. For half of my life, I always assume that I will be just fine even if I am alone and it is ok untill now... I don't know what change or maybe the changing part is me... maybe I am just tired...