Happy and Unhappy

Wat should I write first....hmm... let's start with the happy stuff... I manage to be very concentrate on the " to do list" and finished quite a big part of my study, which is good... and I get to have dinner with my housemate and rental lady or from now on I should call her "leng lui"^^...

We went to the night market and the taste of food suits me... I like it... today one of my housemate seems a little tense up... she keeps on letting things slip through her hand.. I wonder wat she is thinking... or maybe I think too much...haha... just hope that she will feel better and be stress free again soon^^

Now for the bad part... just because I rejected ur romantic feelings...doesn't mean we can't be friends right... I just wish tat ppl stop seeing things as so complicated... I think if u got rejected... friendship can still be continue...just maybe not tat close as b4... I just wish tat he see this fact soon....

Do u love me?

I was trying to prepare for my final but I found out that this subject is easy to understand in terms of language but very hard to interpret... I lost my temper a while...but i guess I will just have to be extra hardworking and maybe with a little help from friends... and I'll be fine^^

"Do u love me?" This is kind of a tricky question...b4 I went to bath, a friend called.. I find it funny because she don't even know that she is being jealous... the story is something like this... "The guy was talking to the girl next to him and my friend saw it and went upset... she stay quiet through the whole dinner but the guy dnt seem to notice it at all... she got even angrier and went all depress"

Haha...she is being jealous rite? I told her to try hint or tell the guy directly how she feels...if this don't work out...wat is the worse case that would happen? Just continue to be friends and forget bout the chances with him and move on... We are adults now...feelings are normal... if dnt feel the same way then... just be friends lo... but at least u nid to let the person know... better than just get jealous alone...

=(

Sigh...the more I try to know him...the more depressed I get... I try to help him but my help seems to caused more pain to him...am I doing the right thing? Y can't ppl see the good that I am trying to do but only know how to get all defensive about things...

What is it that makes ppl see the good in others like I do? I am starting to believe that maybe I am also the stupid kind of human being, the kind who thinks that everybody will accept help and see the help i am giving as help...it's like being struck by lightning...one minute u are being ur normal self and the next...ur heart got fried...

I dnt mean to hurt him..or caused any pain...I was just trying to be nice...but end up causing unwanted trouble... I know he wanted me to ignored him...dnt nid to care about him...but the way he said it...it makes me feel even more depressed... does he not know that I really do care?

More Birthdays

It's the birthday of my Land Lady and I am very glad that she had a great time... there was tears but it's the good type-the tears of joy and touch...^^

We celebrate it 2 days earlier from 28/08/2010 since we wanted to give her a surprise...We made a video of greetings, there is an ice-cream cake with a picture of mini cooper on top, she like it since it is not as solid as the other cakes...and the most important thing was the present (small control mini cooper car). Haha...I was in charge in handling the car out and I was so happy to know that her first birthday wish was wanting to have a model of mini cooper(furfill)^^ I wonder wat the other wishes were... haha...but I think it will all come true...because good things always happen to good ppl^^

The video we made was making her cry because we manage to get the video of her family... I personally think that the part of her father is the most touching part...her father said:"if u feel tired, just come home", how nice to know that u will have a place to go back to... a place that is familiar and warm...^^

I really wish that she will be always happy and keep on bringing happiness to the ppl around her^^

"Avoid"

There is a kind of ppl who thinks they know themselves... always saying that they wanted to be who they are... don't wnt to be influence by others but who are they exactly? Is this really the person u are? Some choose to be a person that is ignorant and indifferent but they end up asking themselve: "why is the world so lack of love". I dnt understand!!! How can someone choose to live like a heartless zombie and choose to make his or her life not worthy...y do they want to live sad?

Wat will happen if they act friendly...or if they tell others their goal but have failed to achieved it...is it really tat shameful until u have to be an actor in ur own life? Act like u dnt care? Being care by others became smthg horrifieying because wat if this all dissapear? Ur unprotected heart will be hurt huh? This kind of ppl choose to be a clod hearted loner... but somehow in a way.. they became afraid of what they have chosen but had forgotten how to choose another path, how sad is that? Avoiding this and that...eventually end up lonesome but afraid of it..how stupid!!! Well...maybe this is just my perception...but I really think it's stupid to be afraid of wat u choose to be and end up thinking "THIS IS WHO I REALLY AM"...

Secret

I have a secret...it's not really a secret now since some of my friends know about it and I am not really trying to hide it, but the more I come clean with it, the more confused and scared I get. Why can things be clearer and easier? I know maybe things will get better as time pass but I dnt think mine is going anywhere...

It's already very hard for me to know love again (by love, I mean all kinds of love), but having to classified it into categories (friendship, family, romance...) seems to be a harder task. Even if the secret is no longer a secret, the outcome of the secret must remain unknown. It is already hard enough to know if a person feels the same way as u do..it became harder when u dnt even knw if that person notice u at all (as lover option)... it might be an option for me..but it might never appear as an option to others at all...

What if the option is not even consider as an option? How many will ignored others and just go with their heart?

Gathering^^

How nice it is to just be with a group of friends and talk...I am so glad that I went back to hometown... I get to catch up with some old friends... I should have post this up days ago but I kind of got into a fever.. I just got sick suddenly while sitting on a bus back to kampar... OMG..so cold!!! I was shivering all the way...very uncomfortable trip indeed.. after resting for 2 days, I finally got better...strangely my fever keep on coming back and there is rashes on my hands..hopefully it wont get any worse..or else..I will really have to step into the smelly hospital...I hate the smell of antistatic..makes me dizzy...

Let's continue bout the gathering...it was so fun...we went eating first and I was wearing a dress...not really comfortable but I don't hate it. We were talking to each other from a very chaos direction...sometimes i dnt even know who is talking to who,haha...

one of them, V, bring his little sis along, my bro Eugene did mention a little bit about V's sister is a bit quiet so...I pay some special attention to her... nobody can be quiet around me...it's forbidden...haha... the topic came around pretty smoothly after a while^^

We talk about about tat movie "SAW", one of my favorite, well...torturing seems to have an impact on everyone since this movie just drawn everyone to attention, haha... I guess we all have some psychopathic blood within us huh.... lol... I did mention something bout hello kitty and owl...hehe...some little secret love of mine^^

We went to Eugene's house later and I was glad to see his mom since I was worried about her but...she seems fine and still manage to throw out a few jokes...haha^^ They are learning guitar now...and I find that Terry has a soothing voice... and he can play.. and draw, wish to see his drawings soon^^, we were there until 4 in the morning, so late, but I kind of expected it...haha

Hope the next gathering, we could go sing karaoke or something fun^^

Relief

Although there is some cuts and bruises here and there but the presentation didn't went crashing down and overall...I think it went well...the since this is just my first presentation only...there is more to come^^

mentally tired but...

"My mental stage is in a very very tired situation now...I am tired of being nice to people, I am tired of knowing everything...I am tired of thinking, tired of people the most... I nid to escape..." This is what I was thinking this morning...for about 2 minutes but then...problems just breath away by me...

I am so glad that I am always capable to just breath away the problems for a while...but as usual...just for a while...I am still tired but i have my energy regeneration serum...haha...from my friends simple chatting, teammate's short discussion and housemaster's laughter...these little things make my life better...some people make ur life miserable but some make it better just by a simple hi or just a smile will do...^^I know I am lucky to be here and have something...

My part of presentation is done...i hope that everyone else is doing fine too^^ Maybe I dnt knw my teammates very well but I do know that some of them do care about this presentation...I am so nervous and I only hope I wont lost my ability to speak or forget bout everything by then..

Maybe some people just like to assume that it is normal to present urself as "mr.u know everything" and do everything perfectly...how tired is that...not tired for that "mr. know all"maybe, but how it make the people around feel...sooner or later, everyone will remain a distance to prevent themselves from feeling mentally tired...

Sad, glad and nervous

Today is so...complicated, the first thing I can think of is the unhappy incident in class today. =( Well...I am not sure wat happen but, some of my friends just start arguing with another friend of mine in front of the whole class, things just when ugly but not very savior yet... I hate it when my friends fight..but after that, my lecturer seems to be handling it..it's almost settle but I really hope they can get along soon, and try to see the good in one another.

My ptptn suddenly got approved claiming that their new website was down and asking us to go back to the old website...Sigh...government! never manage anything right! make ppl scare and confuse only@@

The dinner tonight is long...since the food takes forever to get ready... it's like the waiter needs to go fish for the prawn and import the spices to make the paste..but at least i remember to buy top up card for my phone.

After that, watch a scary movie with housemates since tonight is the first night of ghost festival, they want something scary...but that movie turn out to be a disaster...it's so00ooo0oo0oo...boring...but at least get to spend time with my housemates and know a bit more bout them...^^

Feels like a longer day than usual...and tomorrow, I am going to finished up the slide show and prepare for the presentation which I am very nervous about since it's been years since I last presented anything...hope that everything is going to be smooth...

Drowning

Went out for lunch with housemate today, not all of them though...since 3 of the girls went to my land lady's hometown and stay there, I got worried when they didn't came back late yesterday since I don't know where did they went at first. Now...I think maybe I shouldn't care that much, it's not like they notice anyway...we can play together but the communication between us is just crappy... better just stay away...

I haven't started anything with my presentation yet... I just don't feel like doing anything..and busy with other things as well...sometimes I feel like I am getting along with things pretty well but sometimes I feel like I don't belong here...there is something missing...I just don't know what it is...I feel like drowning slowly to an endless, dark and cold water...can't breath right, I am lost in myself...seeking a way out...without knowing where to go...

I am also confused about something that I don't even know if there is a right or wrong...trying to ignored but it just keep showing up...unwanted thoughts and feelings...I shall hit my head to a wall so that I can have amnesia...just forget bout things...escape for a while...

Vienna Boys Choir Canon in D Rome Music video

This calms me down and I feel relax after listening to this^^

MaNy tO wRiTe@@

Let's start with 3/8/10, it was exhausted but I had a great time celebrating my house mate's birthday. I can tell that everyone is having a great time... we were taking pictures and I meant a lot of pictures...and laughing until our stomach pain and after that we all went back to hostel and chat for a while until our energy level drop to negative on some of us, and more pictures were taken. I think I might change my mind on having my pictures taken, I do think that freezing my smile is annoying but...I find it quit comfortable to take pictures with a happy crowd and having my own memory recorded^^


4/8/10, since we talk until 4a.m yesterday, my energy level is a little low today but luckily today was just presentation day, I get quite amusing in discovering different types of formal wear and listening to my friends complaining on skirts, haha...but they do look great in formal though^^ I am starting to worried bout my presentation bout next week since it's been a while since I last present in front of a large crowd and I have to wear heals...high heel shoes is always a nightmare to me, I wonder if I will ever like it, but I do think they are pretty though^^

Desperate

I went home for a few days to get everything straight, like making a new ic... I get to talk to my brothers, grandmother and my mom. I played with HAPPY, and LUCKY the dogs. they grow bigger than i remember...

Today when I came back from Kedah to Kampar, the bus that I was supposed to get on break down, I am fine with that but they they put me in a bus to Ipoh only and assign me the sit where the driver will sleep when tired which is suffering since I got no place to put my legs but this is still ok, since I met a guy which is also a student in Utar was sitting beside the driver in a plastic chair, poor guy. He study journalism and I think he will be great in the future... The bus driver was almost asleep on the way there and I was so nervous... but eventually we were safely delivered to Ipoh, at there we have to find a bus station which we have no idea where it was and we were just wondering around and ask whoever that is there, finally found it and after 15 minutes, we got on the right bus and headed home, after we arrived, we were so tired and call a taxi to send us back to hostel... at least I get to know a nice guy out of all this chaotic...

Tonight, a misunderstanding is solved which I don't even know how and what really happened but I don't care anymore because there is another person which is making me confuse... I no longer have the strength to handle another betrayer...and I won't. Maybe I am being weak and stupid but...when I just can't handle lies anymore, after I gave chances for people to tell me the truth, I expect the whole truth...and if they don't take that chance to full use, I snap, I just choose to walk out from their life. I have no problem pretending to not know a person and certainly have no problem of just stop contacting with him or her. Maybe I act like a child but this is how I kept my dignity, I walk away before they are taken from me...

Tired morning, disappointing night, I am really DESPERATE for something, anything good to happen to me...soon...