Safe Space~

Sometimes when I don't know what to do and how to balance my emotion and my logic... I type~ So here goes... I don't exactly know what to type and most of the I even leave the topic space blank and only give it a name after I finished...

I believe that we have the answers for whatever problems we encounter... and I believe that we just have to find the way to unleash that answer, or in this case unleashing the methods to find the right key~ so the reason for this particular piece is to know what is going on with myself recently... because obviously, I seems to be experiencing fluctuation of emotions more than usual and I don't like myself this way...

I don't like having my best friend suddenly call me to tell me that she is downstairs waiting for me to open up the door for her when I didn't even know that she will be meeting with me... I don't like having things undone when I have already give out a clear instructions... I don't like it when things around me is a mess when I know that I need is just a bigger table with proper drawers... and I don't like having to explain my actions and I especially don't like it when I have to explain about what I am angry at... and I get angrier when I have to care about another person's feeling when I am already mad myself.... I also do not feel comfortable when my actions is causing another person to react when there shouldn't be any reaction...

I don't feel safe with myself because all I really wanna do is actually to punch someone and I know that this rage of me doesn't come in a short time... I am angry because deep down I know the reason I was angry is because all this small mistakes and small incidents all the time... I am angry because no matter what I do, all this small matters is not going to be solve... because I know what I needed to feel balance again is not here... I need to do what I like when I like it and don't have to explain to anyone... that's it, I need a getaway... I need someone new and different, someone that can teach me things and make me calm... at least this is what I feel now...

If I said something and the reaction I am getting is negative or I am listening something that is not involving in the thing I am talking about, I get furious, just because what I just said went into a wall that doesn't even give back the same echo... 

Mess~~

There are times when you just want to go back to a clean and tidy room or just simply wanna tidy up... and when you really wanna tidy up, you know exactly where should everything go~ Now here come the tricky part... what if the messy things are not exactly your mess? and you encounter stuff that you just don't have an exact place to put?

If this mess I am referring to is just a physical one... then it's easy, you just need to buy some shelves or just simply a wall mount rack will do. Unfortunately in my case, I just find that every time I see a physical mess, what I actually see is the source of the mess... It's like a whisper in your ear telling you this " even if you clean up right now, it's not going to matter" It's this infinite loop of broken record with just one phrase left that is bugging you...

Here's what I see, I think I am ready to be in a relationship, but I am so not ready to live with another person.... at least not when every small little things that is misplace is going to look like an elephant in the room... So what I have to decide now is... do I need to buy more shelf and really make out of the space I have or... Should I just have my own place?

I mean I like to have somebody with me and I like the convenience of having most of my thing in the right place... however, I just don't see the need to share everything and have my habit of living a life known by another person and force him to follow it... You see... if things are as easy as it seems all the time, it will be great, but this is reality that we are talking about... it means that in times like this... having a shared space is driving me nuts... if it's my own mess... I can deal with it... but even if my things are messy, I still know what goes where... the problem now is part of my daily life felt lost because everythinh seems out of place...

I don't have the proper furniture, I don't have a proper chair to watch my series and learn my ukulele... everything that is misplace just made me so down and moody~  So what is a mess right now... it's actually my life~

Too many small things, too lazy to give attention =P

There are time where you will meet this one kind of ppl that you just can't quite get the hang of him or her... Well... The simple answer for this kind of situation is that some ppl are just different and they does not have the same level of common sense skill like everybody else~ However... knowing me, a simple amswer is never sufficient for me to understand differences~

To certain ppl, I might also be a person that is hard to follow and understand... However, everybody got some part of themself that they just don't fit in to the world~ What I encounter this time, happens to be a person that is just so different from me that I just ran out of ideas to do anything else~ So when you lost yourself to something that you are not familiar with, what you do is simple... You go back doing what you are most familiar with and deal with stuff in a way that you can.... in my case... I open loud music and type stuff~~

Some things are kept private for a reason, and mine is kept as a secret simply because I believe that if you deal with stuiff in a wrong timing or most of the time, not a mature time, you lost the sense of judgement that you are suppose to have and what happen is as time goes by... you lost yourself.... so just stop.... AND FIND YOUR OWN WAY!!!! Because nobody makes you happy like you do, your happiness actually is in your hand... so TAKE CHARGE and find your INNER PEACE~

So this is what I am going to do after a time of cleansing myself from all those toxic ppl that I am expose to with loud music.... I am going to let myself have a great life by ignoring what dfoesnt' concern me... because why am I forcing myself on stuff that I will just get mad on AND THE WOSRT CASE IS, I AM WASTING MY TIME ON THOSE WANABE AND THOSE ATTENTION SEEKERS...... FOR THE LAST TIME.... IF YOU CANT HANDLE YOUR OWN LIFE.... GET OUT FROM MINE.... I AM NOT FORCING YOU TO STAY AND I AM SURE AS HELL NOT FORCING MYSELF TO DO SO~!!!!!



SO ATTENTION SEEKER~!!! FUCK OFF~!!!