Safe Space~

Sometimes when I don't know what to do and how to balance my emotion and my logic... I type~ So here goes... I don't exactly know what to type and most of the I even leave the topic space blank and only give it a name after I finished...

I believe that we have the answers for whatever problems we encounter... and I believe that we just have to find the way to unleash that answer, or in this case unleashing the methods to find the right key~ so the reason for this particular piece is to know what is going on with myself recently... because obviously, I seems to be experiencing fluctuation of emotions more than usual and I don't like myself this way...

I don't like having my best friend suddenly call me to tell me that she is downstairs waiting for me to open up the door for her when I didn't even know that she will be meeting with me... I don't like having things undone when I have already give out a clear instructions... I don't like it when things around me is a mess when I know that I need is just a bigger table with proper drawers... and I don't like having to explain my actions and I especially don't like it when I have to explain about what I am angry at... and I get angrier when I have to care about another person's feeling when I am already mad myself.... I also do not feel comfortable when my actions is causing another person to react when there shouldn't be any reaction...

I don't feel safe with myself because all I really wanna do is actually to punch someone and I know that this rage of me doesn't come in a short time... I am angry because deep down I know the reason I was angry is because all this small mistakes and small incidents all the time... I am angry because no matter what I do, all this small matters is not going to be solve... because I know what I needed to feel balance again is not here... I need to do what I like when I like it and don't have to explain to anyone... that's it, I need a getaway... I need someone new and different, someone that can teach me things and make me calm... at least this is what I feel now...

If I said something and the reaction I am getting is negative or I am listening something that is not involving in the thing I am talking about, I get furious, just because what I just said went into a wall that doesn't even give back the same echo... 

Mess~~

There are times when you just want to go back to a clean and tidy room or just simply wanna tidy up... and when you really wanna tidy up, you know exactly where should everything go~ Now here come the tricky part... what if the messy things are not exactly your mess? and you encounter stuff that you just don't have an exact place to put?

If this mess I am referring to is just a physical one... then it's easy, you just need to buy some shelves or just simply a wall mount rack will do. Unfortunately in my case, I just find that every time I see a physical mess, what I actually see is the source of the mess... It's like a whisper in your ear telling you this " even if you clean up right now, it's not going to matter" It's this infinite loop of broken record with just one phrase left that is bugging you...

Here's what I see, I think I am ready to be in a relationship, but I am so not ready to live with another person.... at least not when every small little things that is misplace is going to look like an elephant in the room... So what I have to decide now is... do I need to buy more shelf and really make out of the space I have or... Should I just have my own place?

I mean I like to have somebody with me and I like the convenience of having most of my thing in the right place... however, I just don't see the need to share everything and have my habit of living a life known by another person and force him to follow it... You see... if things are as easy as it seems all the time, it will be great, but this is reality that we are talking about... it means that in times like this... having a shared space is driving me nuts... if it's my own mess... I can deal with it... but even if my things are messy, I still know what goes where... the problem now is part of my daily life felt lost because everythinh seems out of place...

I don't have the proper furniture, I don't have a proper chair to watch my series and learn my ukulele... everything that is misplace just made me so down and moody~  So what is a mess right now... it's actually my life~

Too many small things, too lazy to give attention =P

There are time where you will meet this one kind of ppl that you just can't quite get the hang of him or her... Well... The simple answer for this kind of situation is that some ppl are just different and they does not have the same level of common sense skill like everybody else~ However... knowing me, a simple amswer is never sufficient for me to understand differences~

To certain ppl, I might also be a person that is hard to follow and understand... However, everybody got some part of themself that they just don't fit in to the world~ What I encounter this time, happens to be a person that is just so different from me that I just ran out of ideas to do anything else~ So when you lost yourself to something that you are not familiar with, what you do is simple... You go back doing what you are most familiar with and deal with stuff in a way that you can.... in my case... I open loud music and type stuff~~

Some things are kept private for a reason, and mine is kept as a secret simply because I believe that if you deal with stuiff in a wrong timing or most of the time, not a mature time, you lost the sense of judgement that you are suppose to have and what happen is as time goes by... you lost yourself.... so just stop.... AND FIND YOUR OWN WAY!!!! Because nobody makes you happy like you do, your happiness actually is in your hand... so TAKE CHARGE and find your INNER PEACE~

So this is what I am going to do after a time of cleansing myself from all those toxic ppl that I am expose to with loud music.... I am going to let myself have a great life by ignoring what dfoesnt' concern me... because why am I forcing myself on stuff that I will just get mad on AND THE WOSRT CASE IS, I AM WASTING MY TIME ON THOSE WANABE AND THOSE ATTENTION SEEKERS...... FOR THE LAST TIME.... IF YOU CANT HANDLE YOUR OWN LIFE.... GET OUT FROM MINE.... I AM NOT FORCING YOU TO STAY AND I AM SURE AS HELL NOT FORCING MYSELF TO DO SO~!!!!!



SO ATTENTION SEEKER~!!! FUCK OFF~!!!

Summary of janice's inner world

Recently I have posting a lot, probably trying to get everything out of my system so they won't be a shield for the people around me...

Anyway... life for me is good =) I am in a stable relationship, having a job that allows me to have freedom and earning a salary that for me is good enough... haha

I don't buy branded stuff... I don't do use things that don't last either, so what's left for me to spend is food, haha, yes, I know I sound like a pig, but for a person like me... nothing makes me happier than having delicious food even though lately my appetite seems to become smaller... Hehe...

Well... you know what they say, control your diet before your body starts to expend... so I guess there is some good in me having a smaller appetite now... haha... I will never know when will this super fast metabolism of mine wears out... haha..

Lastly, I think I really need to pay more attention on my skin and really do some research about scars... time to make them go away... and I guess through typing, I just gave myself an early December target... haha

THE END~

Two blogs~

Sometimes I am glad that I have 2 blog^^ janice o janice~ I can never understand jow did u manage to drop everything just like that after you finished typing~

For some reason,  everytime I finished writing... everything I wrote feels like a burden that is lifted off me... I am hoping that this can continue and maybe I can figure out a solution for my problems by reading what I wrote~

Usually it works... but I wonder if I wanted to read back at all... well... let's just see how everything goes after awhile then onlly decide =)

Ultimately alone~

Nobody how many ppl surrounding me... I still feel like I am alone~ No matter when ot what... I will suddenly have that urge to cry~

I haven't shed a tear since my break up... and I dont want to... because breaking up was my decision and I don't regret it~

Eventually I put on my best smile... and go on~

Long programmed life

Suddenly switch from another blog to this one... and I noticed that I write longer here....
Or maybe I should say that I don't exactly try to make things short here~ =D

The words I use is the way it is... Once I typed... I don't change it if the meaning is the same... I suddenly feel like writing something with a little more elaboration~

I never thought that one of my greatest fun was to keep myself inside the room and then press my phone~ Suddenly Facebook wall became so interesting and suddenly my chair is no longer needed when  I have my bed right next to it~

I AM LIVING IN THIS PROGRAM~ =(
But I think. .. I don't wanna wake up~~ maybe in this way... living according to certain system is just simpler. .. no body cares about how unique you are anyway~~

Visual change~^w^

Ppl like visuals, they like what they can see and hear, in this twenty first century, it's kinda rare for ppl to like reading words the old fashion ways, we must improvise, add some colors in it, add something interesting, anything that will make an impact~

I realized that I am a person that leave an impression easily, but somehow my writings are not noticed~ A friend told me this : " A person is a living accomplishment that glows inside out, that is why ppl notice, but writings are something that isn't alive until that person sees and understand it " I suddenly realized that it's not about what I wrote at first, but what attracts them to read it that is important, that why I need to change, I wanna change, and from this very post on, I am going to improve, add visuals, make notice~

THIS IS MY LIFE, MY STYLE~!!!  (^w^ )y  I AM HERE~!!! NOTICE ME, MY ART AND MY WRITINGS~ =)

Effort

If mopping floor doesn't mean you have dry floor in the end, why on earth do you wanna mop it at the first place?

If stuff is all over the place and you already know later need to sort, why didn't you arrange the stuff first?

If You already know that the person is sorting things, why don't you lend a hand for passing the things?

If you already know that the water is moving towards your stuff that will potentially spoil your stuff, why won't you dry it first?

There are things that can be define as hard and there are also things that is simple, when you screw up on simple things, it doesn't mean that you are stupid, it just meant that you didn't put any effort in doing it right at the first place =(

P.s Sometimes things just need to use a little bit of thinking and you will do it right, but still, after a lot of thinking, I still can't figure out is it that you don't use your brain or you are really that stupid until don't know how to do simple stuff??? =(

Meritorious?

"My life no longer feels like mine and my heart feels too full". The reaction from this phrase that came into my mind was this~ "WHAT?!?!" 

Ironically, I have no idea what was I thinking and why does this particular sentence came to me, but I know that it came from my very own thoughts, maybe even from my heart~ 

I know exactly what changed me for the past few months, I know that I was happier in some part of my life and I certainly are well aware of the warm I felt when in distress but I do realized that all these came from my consent and it will no longer applied if I were to flee~

My soul is like the morning air, cooling and friendly, my body is like a pile of clay, taking any forms that it can, my mind seems to be distorted  in order to descry LOVE, is it meritorious? I can't have an answer for that~

Will it cause me to trap to a beleaguered life? Will my senses kicks in when the magic substance called hormone no longer flooding my system? Who knows? Haha~

 

Meritoriousness blooms from within and in my case, no matter how distorted I think my life is,  endurance is certainly something I am willing to give =)

"My life no longer feels like mine and my heart feels too full", my understanding in this may not clamp to logic senses, but what I get was plain fear from the feeling of being gyved half way through the process, but the second part of the sentence let me know that I will be fine from what I am getting now, at least for NOW  ~^v^y

My life~^^

Everyone falls~

Sometimes it hurts~

Sometimes it heals~

And most of the time, it’s a necessity~

In growth~

Injuries are inevitable~

Pain is unavoidable~

But the experience is irreplaceable~

I fell~

I cried~

I made mistakes~

And I definitely grown~^^

stress

Lately going to have my final exam but I have completely no study mood~ I can't focus, I wonder is it because of stress or the other way around @.@"

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Sunshine ^^

When you stay put in one place and do everyday thing, you will find that some little things became something that is put under the magnifieing glass~ but you walk around, do something new, you will find that your perception is wider and stronger until the extend that the problem is actually puny =]

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Fighting!!!!!

Fight!!!!!!!!!!!

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keep me going~

Keep having the sense of everything is falling apart. It's not the first time feeling like this but it got worse recently.

I don't know what can I do to prevent myself from becoming society's trash but I am going to fight, I have to…

I cant keep on missing out meetings, deadline and mid terms like this, I need to fight, its not going to be easy especially when you just wanna lie on your bed and sleep and when you can sleep more, you have insomnia =="

However, I found this one thing that can keep me going, for exact, this one person that can calm me down and start to care again on the things around me, I need to care, I need to find that sense of responsibility. I know what I should do and I know that I found this one strength that would keep me going =]

At least I started to ask for help and can blogging about this now~ hope that I can change to high gear soon =]

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Long lost tears~

I lost the ability to cry some time ago~ even if I am watching a very sad movie or someone is dying~ I feel so sad but getting watery and maybe if I am lucky, one drop of tears will drop but tonight~ I cry in a car without any effort being put in~ It just came out like that~ but the ironic part is~ I cry all the way from Ipoh to Kampar and nobody even notice~

I am done waiting for answers that will never come and results that will never present~ I am tired of dating, flirting, waiting and wanting some crap about lone relationship~ done with it~ I have no strength left since long long time ago and I am not regaining that anywhere or from anyone~

Ppl are just too bust treating their own stuff in daily life until forget about there is ppl out there that needs help~ I have been through hell and yes~ in this particular moment~ it feels like shit
~ but after this ungly cry~ I am fine again~ I am already feeling much better thanks to a 20 mins phone call~ Rumors, so what? Bad rep, so what? I am BAD, so what? I like girls, so what? I also like guys, so what? I DON'T CARE ANYMORE~

From this moment on~ I, Janice Choo Ying Yun will only live for myself~ no more unworthy waits, no more care~ BE HAPPY FOR MYSELF~!!!!!! Be happy Be happy Be happy~!!!!!!!!!

give up~

I want to be happy and smile :-) I am done with all those confusion, I am not strong enough to deal with ppl treating me like idiot, I really like her but she don't seem to feel the same~ I am ok with that, I just don't understand why don't just tell me directly~ if there is this slightest possibility that she feel the same, pls tell me directly as well, please don't play me like this~ I don't need to be in a relationship with you if you don't want to, I just wanna know~

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Got shot~

Suddenly everything feels weird like I just got shot somewhere having my blood dripping out from me without knowing where and when I got shot~

I finally remember why I will like the feel of clubbing because it's just simple reason to have fun and stop thinking~^^ Why is that a bad thing anyway~ At least I get a time and place to relax and go blank~ maybe this is the one way I find to lost that sad me because realizing the things that I will never have~

I always use sometimes but come and think of it~ my sometimes don't know since when became most of the time~ I can wait patiently and act like nothing happened but then sometimes things will just go too quiet until you are not even sure if anything had ever happened~

Am I creating something that wasn't there at the first place? Or I am just naive to think that there is an incident at all? I don't want to stop believing in feelings and things like this but do I really have a choice? Am I dying from the inside? I already can feel that my hear beat is going missing~ Maybe I got shot there and maybe it just don't want to recover~

happy~^^

I finally gets to spend time with her :-) I am so happy about it~ :-D I am just happy whenever she is around~ I feel so comfortable ;-)

I wonder if she notice that I care a lot about her and she is important to me~ :-S I sure hope she does~

I wonder what she is thinking, facing, feeling all the time, especially about me, I really wish to know, but I don't want to know as well, because I scare that later the result will be a disaster~ If she wanted to remain this way~ I won't disgrace it as well~ :-D

As long as she is happy, I just let her do what she wants then ;-)

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Why? mood swing?

Lately been having mood swing and I am happy still, just keep on having those moment where I feel like I am stuck in the middle of nowhere~

Today was tired and long because I didn't sleep well yesterday and was having whole day of class~ However it was still ok~ then later at night even have pool~  A friend came back~ She told me through text that she was back here in kampar and I was so happy about it~^^ I really miss her a lot~!!! but then something hit me~ =(

I don't really know how to react when I see her I guess~ she told me that she was facing some problem of her own but then at that very moment~ I was thinking that why won't she talk to me about it~ She is always keeping everything with herself, I really wish if there is somehow a way for me to be closer with her~ but then~ it seems impossible for her to let me in =(

I really like her but I guess without this mutual feeling~ there will always be a gap~ I am really thinking to just like her in silence~ and even when I imagine us being really together also~ I have this feeling of keeping the relationship in the dark~ because a relationship is just between two person with love~ I learned this the hard way from my previous encounter~